Tales From a Ninth-Grade Notebook

(Hey, it worked for Matt Groening!)

Back in Ninth grade, the Honors English teacher, Ms. Flynn, felt that we might improve our writing skills by keeping a daily notebook. Since I had to run from my third period drafting class across campus just so I would have the time to do the daily composition, the only things that got exercised were my legs. If we “failed” to finish three-quarters of a page that day, we were supposed to finish it at home (yeah, right). What really happened was that, on notebook-grading day, there would be a mad writing rush to fill up the empty real estate on so many pages. The Greg Saylin method — where one wrote words so extended that two would fill an entire line — was quite popular. One quickly learned that it was possible to write anything in the notebook, as long as it made the length quota…

Other than Saylin, notables in that class were Eric Rager, Romy Peters, and Michael Damato. Rager was especially important, as he provided color commentary during Romeo and Juliet. (“And the Capulets are in the lead… But wait! here comes a Montague… A kill! The score is tied!”)

Ninth-grade English. It made me the writer that I am today… a neurotic, misanthropic, espresso-gulping author of mediocre fiction.

Free Choice

“The Prisoner” is an adventure game based on the BBC series of the same name. Since I have just recently won this game, I will describe briefly how to win this game with a few brief tips. If you want a cross, kill a customer in the Bar by getting drunk, then go to the Church. If you can’t decide whether to get the silver dollar or get cloned, take the latter. The escape key functions work a lot in this game, especially in the Carnival. Move around in the Diner; you’ll find something very interesting. After all this, call the Caretaker a computer. That’s it.

5 points

What does October hold in store for you?

October is a special month for me. It contains two special days: my birthday and Halloween. My birthday comes early in the month and is usually not so extravagant, because of a deal I made with my Mom that says I can have a party and get inexpensive gifts, or I can just skip the formalities and get expensive gifts. Sometimes we have a small party with one or two friends and have a small cake to eat. This birthday I am going to get a game for my computer and the two remaining sets to my Legoland Space System, which I collect. This Halloween I am going to do what I usually do, take my cousin a few blocks away to go trick-or-treating, then go home and scare kids coming up the walkway.

5 points

What was the value of yesterday’s class?

Yesterday’s class, when the incoming freshmen met the seniors, I think was very valuable. It allowed the freshmen to learn what was in store for them for the next four years.

0 points

Why I am looking forward to…

Why I am looking forward to this weekend…

I am looking forward to this weekend for rest and relaxation. This week has been very hectic with tons of homework, hours of shopping, and other time-taking little annoyances. This weekend I am planning to do nothing at all. That is, I’m not planning to do anything strenuous. If you think that sounds boring, it really isn’t when you’ve gone through the week I have gone through. Yes, this week I plan to seal myself in my room ’til Sunday night.

5 points

Free Choice

I have a very strange cat. She is one of the only cats I have see that sleeps on its back. And where does she sleep? Not on the soft bed, oh no, she sleeps on the hard floor or if she’s lucky, inside a box of Lego building blocks. Also, she procrastinates. She will not go through a door no matter how long you hold it open, but as soon as you start to close it, she meanders through at her own slow speed. She loves to be inside with people, so when I had to start to go to school, and she had to be put out, I think she was lonely. How do I know this? Well, as soon as I came home and opened the door, she jumped out of the bushes, ran inside, and curled up in a ball and went to sleep.

5 points

All about my family

Most of my family lives on the East Coast and I haven’t seen most of them in a long time. My grandparents are an exception, for instead of braving out the harsh Eastern winter, they stay in sunny California. During the summer we go and visit them on the East Coast. I have some cousins in New York and a 104 year old aunt who lives in Teaneck, New Jersey! Aunt Lizzie, I could write a whole page on her. Last time I saw her she was up to my chin and I have grown at least 6 inches since then. What a fantastic lady. Each day she walks up and down four stories of stairs carrying groceries. Back to my family. I have an aunt and an uncle who my grandma wishes to disown, three cousins, and that’s about it.

5 points

Happiness is…

Happiness is being contented without being bored. Some people think that getting all you want is happiness, but it isn’t. The reason that people who have a lot aren’t happy is that they are constantly worried that someone else that doesn’t have all that they want will take their things from them. There is some slight difference between happiness and being joyful. Joy can be experienced by miserable people; it is only momentary. Happiness does not wear off so easily. Usually something drastic has to happen to lose happiness.

5 points

Freedom is…

Freedom is a flexible standard that is the minimum of restrictions placed on members of the group so that each one can be at their happiest and still not present a threat to other’s happiness. Freedom is a very thin line indeed. It can be misused. No one person can set all the rules, and yet they must be set. That’s why people in a democracy are happiest, because the rules satisfy the most of the people. Freedom is very subjective. Very few know really where to stop with their freedoms. But I know where to stop. With this entry, I mean. Right here.

5 points

Honesty is…

Honesty is not only being able to tell the truth, but also having the knowledge to know when to tell the truth. A lot of people use truth to hurt people (“You eat too much,” etc.) and that’s not being honest. That’s just plain mean. Also, some people use honesty in that way to embarrass others in front of a large group. That’s not right either. Sometimes, when telling a person such a fact will hurt less that if you don’t tell them, take them away and tell them in private. They’ll appreciate you much more if you also say it tactfully.

5 points

My Halloween Plans

This Halloween will be spent trying to catch up in English and History. No trick-or-treating for me. I have not set up my usual spooking apparatus (a tape recorder, 2 jack-o’-lanterns, a sheet for a ghost and a small fan to move the sheet). In fact, not one pumpkin has been carved. Personally, I see no reason to even get candy (even though I will). There are so many weirdos out there and kids are afraid to leave the house and that ruins Halloween for them. Which is bad because I read somewhere that for kids under nine it is their favorite holiday, even if it isn’t a legal one and school remains open. If all Halloweens are like the one like last year, then we might as well skip the whole thing.

5 points
Total for this grading: 45/50

A gloomy place

A gloomy and spooky place is usually a lonely and isolated one. I say “usually” because crowded places, like a subway station, can also be gloomy. Places that are gloomy are also usually old, but not necessarily discrepant, though they usually are. Cobwebs are also a necessary ingredient for gloomy places of the discrepant class. The lighting of a gloomy place is not bright, because that is too cheerful, nor dark, because that is more scary, but is more of a neutral grey, like the grey of an overcast day. Gloomy places are also quiet. Too quiet…

5 points

If you were to make it big in the world, on what page of the newspaper would the news be found?

If I were able to make it big in the world, I guess it would appear on the front page, because if you are going to make it big, you might as well go all the way. Actually, I’m not sure what or how I plan to “make it big in the world.” Perhaps it will be financially, or in the scientific world. I don’t really know. Probably, like most people, I will never “make it big,” but if I do, it will be really, really big.

0 points

If you were to become addicted to something, what would it be?

I guess I would become addicted to war and political games. I almost am, anyway. Games like Geopolitique 1990 and Germany 1995 are some of my favorites. These are modern and futuristic games with nuclear and non-nuclear warfare against the Soviet Union. Next come the historical warfare ones. There is nothing more addicting than watching millions of units representing people defect to your side. The reason they are so addicting is that the more you lose, the more you want to play ’til you can win. And once you win, you want to win again, and again, and again…

5 points

The best things in life are free

I really don’t know about that. All things in life cost something, no matter how small it costs. You either pay with work, money, power or love. The last one is the one that costs the most, yet gives the most in return. And it usually lasts for a long, long time. Love is a really big gamble. Most intangibles are. Nothing can be gained without loss somewhere else. If you wish to spend more time with one person, you will have to spend less time with another. Such is life.

0 points

“Who that answers suddenly knows little.”
Do you agree?

I am answering that question, and on that question I know little. The question probably means that answers lead to more questions. Perhaps it means that under stress you usually forget. I personally like my first interpretation, so I am going to answer the given question like that. Yes, answers lead to more questions. I remember seeing a Walt Disney film on knowledge and inquiry. Donald Duck was running down a hallway of doors. And every time he opened a door, there was another hallway of doors. Answers lead to more questions, which lead to more questions. Ah, yes, the more we know the less we know.

5 points

Are you superstitious?

0 points

What have you done for someone recently?

Really recently? Or something of great importance done in the last month? If you mean really recently, I skipped breakfast so my friend Jason could get to school early. Semi-recently, and of semi-importance, I allowed Greg Covey to print out his English paper on my computer because he does not have a printer attached to his word processor. In the long run, I guess I haven’t done any great service for anyone recently, but all those little things count too.

0 points


Thanksgiving means giving thanks. It also means thanks-for-giving. It is a time for happiness. Most people think you eat turkey on Thanksgiving, but last year we tried steak and enjoyed that more. The best part was no leftovers! Thanksgiving is a time when your relatives become parasites and eat you out of house and home. It is also a time for the Twilight Zone marathon and the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Personally, I think most people have forgotten or ignored the true meaning of Thanksgiving: a Celebration of Survival.

5 points

Highlights of a four-day weekend

This weekend was spent struggling at my autobiography. This weekend was rather boring and I would enjoy not having to write this up by since I am forced to by this government and society, I guess I will have to find something interesting to write on, even if there isn’t anything. Thanksgiving was its usual self, meeting relatives and friends of relatives that I don’t know. I am rather sick of turkey because lately we seem to have been eating it a lot. As usual, my autobiography was laid off to the last moment, when it would create the most stress. I obviously need another four-day weekend.

5 points

Of all the short stories we’ve read, which is your favorite?

My favorite short story was The Monkey’s Paw.

I especially liked the surprise ending. Each of the wishes were excellently foreshadowed and the tribulations of the White family were described in all of their horrifying detail. W. W. Jacobs wrote an entertaining tale that was a bit slow at first, but quickly gained speed to reach a shocking climax. The author played the lonely, isolated setting to give one a sense of coldness and fear. In short, I enjoyed The Monkey’s Paw the most.

5 points

Are you glad to be back?

I am not glad to be back. First, I have not recovered from our New Year’s Eve party. Second, I was just starting to relax and stop thinking about school when it struck back. Third, I have not yet worn out my Christmas presents. Fourth, with the beginning of school comes the deadline for the Ernest Hemingway book, The Old Man and the Sea, one of the few books I find a challenge to get past the first chapter. Personally, I think a week should be given after New Year’s so people can recover.

5 points

My New Year’s resolutions

My New Year’s resolution was to stop making New Year’s resolutions because I never follow them anyway and when I do forget, it makes me angry at myself and I feel rotten for a week afterwards. So, in a rather ceremonial moment, I proceeded to take the piece of paper that had my New Year’s resolutions on it and proceeded to throw it into a New Year’s fire lit by an illegal firework shot down the street by the rowdy kids two houses down.

5 points

The best thing about today is…

The best thing about today is that nothing bad has happened… yet. I have done my vocabulary even though almost everyone else forgot theirs. I arrived at school early enough so that I did not have to race to my first period. In all the classes before this one I finished all the work in class, so it looks like a free afternoon for me. Lunch is next so I can relax and not worry about tonight.

0 points

The worst thing about today is…

The worst thing about today is that I had to go to SCHOOL. That will be everyone else’s subject for such a pessimistic subject (besides the greatly feared spelling/vocabulary test just moments away). Today’s and yesterday’s topics should have been interchanged. Yesterday, horrible things like homework were on the verge of [incomplete]

0 points

What is the relationship between Manolin and Santiago?

The relationship between Manolin, the young boy, and Santiago, the old fisherman, was a caring one. The old fisherman treated the boy as an equal, as an adult. The young boy, in turn, lived up to his responsibility of being an adult by acting like the old man does: happy with what he has, and not worrying about what he hasn’t got.

0 points

How are the marlin and Santiago alike?

The marlin and Santiago are alike in that each is determined, each has endurance, and each has courage. The marlin is determined to escape, and Santiago is determined to capture it. Both the marlin and the man have endurance, shown by how long the stalemate between them existed.

0 points
Total for this grading: 40/75
(Obviously, I hadn’t realized yet that she was grading on weight alone.)

Critique of a Recent Movie

0 points

What is an important “first” in your life?

An important first in my life was when I learned to talk. It meant that now I could communicate with others — brokenly at first — and express my ideas and plans. People wouldn’t be the same if they could no longer communicate. The vast library of knowledge would cease growing and dwindle away to nothingness. Talking is, in a way, your ticket into society. If you cannot talk, you can still enter civilization, but the path is much harder. Look at the man who was thought to be mentally retarded but was only mute.

5 points

What is at the end of your rainbow?

I think that at the end of my rainbow is happiness, peace, and security. Usually at the end of a rainbow is a pot o’ gold. This is supposed to represent people’s goals and ideals, their plans and dreams. My goal in life is to be content and have no important things to be concerned or worry about. Usually people like me never arrive at this goal, and they end up chasing rainbows (pardon the pun). I hope I do succeed. Success is a nice thing to have.

0 points
3/4 of Page!!

Who is your Valentine?

I don’t really have a Valentine and I am not ashamed to admit it. Why make a big fuss about a holiday that we don’t get out of school for anyway? I thought that high school would even be less holiday-spirit oriented than junior high school was. Really. So, to quote one of the comic strips in yesterday’s newspaper: “To whom it may concern: Happy Valentine’s Day.” There it is. One instant Valentine. Enjoy it.

0 points

What leadership roles have you held?

I’ve held a lot of leadership roles, even though none were official. I have a knack for keeping people on the job when I want to. Ever since third or fourth grade, when we had group projects, I usually became the leader, and the projects came out with the majority of my ideas and work put in on it. Once in a while, when the project was not interesting, I let someone else take control. I suddenly lost all interest in it. As a leader, you must be willing to put one-hundred fifty percent effort forward.

0 points

What is your favorite musical group?

My favorite musical “group” is the Boston Pops, the orchestra that plays current music and themes to popular movies on the PBS show, “An Evening at Pops.” I like it because I enjoy that kind of music, not the extremes, like Beethoven or AC/DC. It is a show that I enjoy to watch when I can, which isn’t often. Sometimes I tape the music off the show not because it is cheaper than buying the soundtrack (which it is), but because it is of better quality.

0 points

Explain: “Survival of the Fittest”

“Survival of the Fittest” means that although the weak creatures shall die, the strong ones shall live on. This seems like common sense but no one had really thought about it until Charles Darwin made his famous trip on H.M.S. Beagle to the South Seas. Many people have added to it and some have corrupted it. One corruption of this was “Social Darwinism,” created by American monopolists as an excuse for their Machiavellian way of running business. This is not Survival of the Fittest, it is Extermination of the Weak.

0 points

Your weekend high points

My weekend was spent doing absolutely nothing. I woke up Saturday very early in the morning. Out of complete boredom I watched all of the Saturday morning cartoons. The rest of the day was spent doing homework, giving advice to computer users, watching television, and reading. Sunday was just as thrilling. A friend and I rode around for about an hour, then went to his house and played video games. The highlight of Sunday was watching Star Wars on television from 8 to 11. That was my weekend.

0 points
Total for this grading: 10/45
(I was robbed. Determined to get a better grade, I changed tactics in later entries.)

Are you a procrastinator?

Yes I am. I like to leave off what can be done tomorrow. And I don’t care what people say. What I am angry about is the way this notebook has been graded. But back on the correct subject. I am a procrastinator, a complainer, and a shouter. I have a short temper which is easily ignited, especially when an injustice has been done to me. Do you ever read these notebooks? Please answer yes or no. Procrastinating is fun and entertaining. Now all I have to do is find out what it means.

5 points

What is your most prized possession?

My most prized possession is my computer, and all the things I have made on it (not much). I have made a few games and some assorted utilities, and although they are not perfect, I treat them with respect, because they are my past accomplishments. Some of them are just plain stupid, like my Flying Saucer cartoon series. Very melodramatic. Most of them are exercises on some new procedure I learned. These are my prized possessions.

5 points
(I wish you could see this one. The writing is absolutely HUGE.)

If you were a product, what would you be?

I don’t rightly know. I guess I would want to be something reusable, something that would be cared fore and enjoyed, and would make people happy. I guess I would like to be a stuffed toy or a doll or a game (not Pac-Man). I don’t know anything else to be except perhaps a watch, or a television, or a movie projector, or an Atari 5200, or a computer (not a Trash-80!). I really don’t know what I would be.

5 points

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink

0 points

How do others see you?

Others see me as a tall person, normal-looking, no gross abnormalities, tall, brown hair, etc. People’s personal opinion about me will vary from person to person. Close friends think I’m insane, others call me a brain, and a small minority, led by Curt Engleman, see me as a threat to the Free World. But since Curt is insignificant, his opinion is valueless and probably wrong anyway. So I am either insane or a brain. What a choice! So that’s how others see me.

5 points

How do you see yourself?

I see myself in the mirror or other shiny surfaces with my eyes as long as I am wearing my glasses and if I’m not, then I see a blur. Most often I see myself without a shiny object but I definitely need a mirror for my face and I need two for the back of my head. I gave my description before. Personality-wise, I think I am about average. Mental capacity and genius I excel in. My modesty is outstanding. I see myself as an overall great guy. Bye for now!

5 points

What is your strangest character trait?

Why do journal topics always ask such stupid questions? Have you ever assumed that someone might not have a strange character trait, and if they do, they might not know it? One unusual trait I have is the habit of twisting transitions so sometimes later I will be talking about a subject barely connected to the original topic. For instance, Greg, in front of me, is a comic book and cartoon fan. That is a strange trait. I don’t know what I am writing about.

5 points

My faults

My fault is that I don’t know my faults. I do know other people’s faults though. One of my “better” faults is my habit of getting off track (see What is your strangest character trait). Now to fill this page with a lot of junk. Hello there! This is the day to turn in our journals and I forgot about it. No paper fights today. My hand hurts. My worst fault is that I procrastinate. That is all.

0 points
(I didn’t make it.)

Why do some classes act so atrociously when subs take over?

Most subs take over and act like baby-sitters. Teachers in California are right now screaming for subs. This is because the California legislature is making it tougher to become a teacher yet has not increased the pay. This is wrong! Teachers in olden times were treated with great respect, and they still are in the Soviet Union. My mom (a teacher herself) says if no more people are attracted to teaching, the whole school system will collapse.

5 points
(Just guess why this topic was chosen.)

Describe your Dream House

My dream house is white. No, it’s not the White House. I don’t really have a dream house. I have never really thought about it. I guess it could be anything, as long as it’s decent. My, I have a lot to say to fill up this page. My dream house. Hmmmm… an interesting proposition. Somewhere I read that describing your dream house and its yard describes the person. Maybe I don’t know that much about myself. Only a few more lines and I’ll be done. Good bye.

5 points

A ruler w/o love is a tyrant

I guess so, if you mean that without love of the people. Of course he would be a tyrant, otherwise how would he get to his position of ruling? But you can be a tyrant with the love of your people too. Look at the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (herein called the SU). The SU is the world’s largest dictatorship, yet the people love it. It’s all a matter of mind control and military strength. Whoever controls the army controls the country.

5 points

Are you a person who looks ahead or behind?

I look in both directions. I look back to analyze my errors, and I look forward to plan ahead. You probably know the old saying, “Foresight is better than hindsight.” Well, well, well. Today is Ms. Flynn’s birthday. That’s nice. But why can’t we celebrate it by not having a journal topic. Huh? Why not?

0 points

What is a skill or talent you like but have never acquired?

One skill that I like but have never taken up is cooking. Another is international terrorism. Most people procrastinate (I do) and never do their favorite skills until the last moment. Life’s tough. Ma Bell, before it was split up, predicted that if the world was going to end in the next 24 hours, there would be too many phone calls for it to handle.

0 points
Total for this grading: 45/70

Do you like mental or physical challenges?

I like mental challenges more than I like physical challenges because I like physical challenges less than I like mental challenges. I have now mastered the Greg Saylin style of recursive writing. That was an easy mental accomplishment. Other mental obstructions are not so easy because they are hard. Getting this topic done is a mental and physical challenge. Stress is very dangerous. Heart attacks result from stress from physical and mental challenges. That is all.

5 points

Tell how to be unpopular

The best way to be unpopular is to act like a know-it-all (like certain people with the initials C.E. and R.B.). Another way is to use 20 syllable words, like C.E. and R.B. Another way is to tell stupid jokes, like a kid with the initials E.R. Teacher’s pets also have become very unpopular. I need not mention any initials. You know who you are and everybody else does too. Stress can result from being unpopular, and this kind of stress is called Unpopularity Stress. The best way to combat this kind of stress is to be popular. That is all.

5 points

Are your parents fair?

No, my mom is a redhead. But on, on we go, on to much more interesting topics. F’instance, how about the new slogan, “Have you hugged your toilet today?” This triggered Eric into a series of comments on this questionable topic. This means that Sweden is most pleasant to visit in the summer, but you must watch out for mooses that run wild. A moose once bit my sister Ilsa. Parents are usually fair. No really! She was teaching the moose to mix concrete and fill out complex insurance forms when it just went off and bit her! I think I’m going nuts. That is all.

5 points

What career are you going in?

I plan to get into the lucrative business of electronics. One two three. Electronics is the wave of the future. Soon everyone will need electronics knowledge to survive in the modern world, especially in competing with Japan, who brags that by 1990, they will have no uneducated workers. Soon I will be in the lucrative business of electronics, which proves n = .17171717…; 100n = 17.171717; 99n = 17; n = 17/99. That is all. No, it must continue… continue… continue… tinue… ue… that is all.

5 points

Women in sports

0 points

Music & Mood

Music affects your mood because when you hear music, you subconsciously think of the mood of the person who wrote it, and since music does that and people usually change their mood to be similar to other people’s moods, the person listening to the music changes his/her mood. There. I wrote a long sentence. This     sentence     has     large     spaces. Greg is wearing blue jeans. Hi there! Romy says that Eric is practicing to be a radio announcer. That is all.

5 points

Free choice

“How to Confuse a Cat, and Other Stories.” Last week on Monty Python’s Flying Circus they had Confuse-a-Cat Service, a company which re-interests depressed felines. Meow. They also had a scene where they showed famous deaths and murders, like the one that I am going to do to Eric if he does not shut up! He must shut up, he must! Die, Eric, die! Almost there. Romy Peters is strange because she reads weird books. That is all.

5 points

What is the most important thing in your life?

The world is the most important thing in my life because without it our bodies would swell up and explode because of lack of air. Also, water is very important otherwise we would shrivel up and die and crumble into a pile of dehydrated, sun-bleached bones lying under the burning sun in the desert wastelands of Los Alamitos. Also, toilet facilities are important because if… well, I’ll leave the gruesome details to you. A lot of things are important to me and it is hard to choose. That is all.

5 points

Laziness may appear attractive, but work gives satisfaction

The only kind of work I like is working on the computer so let’s talk about something else, like money. Moneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoney! Hi there! And now, a word about stress and work. Alphie, Betty, Cecil, Dave, Erica, Fred, George, Helen, Janet, Kristen, Laura, Mike, Naomi, Oscar, Phil, Rick, Steve, Tom, Vincent, William, Xavier, Yvonne, Zack. Flip and Jump! Fill this page! Hi there! Almost there! I can see it! That is all.

0 points

Spring Vacation Plans

The Starship “Enterprise” drifts across the computer screen. “Fire!” shouts the Klingon commander. Fwoomp! goes the phaser blast as the “Enterprise” narrowly misses collision with the deadly beam. The “Enterprise” turns, and for the Klingons this is…


I plan to spend my vacation playing video games like Star Trek, Lode Runner, Taxman (a Pac-man rip-off), Sabotage, Olympic Decathlon, Germany 1985, RDF 1985, North Atlantic 1986, so full thrust, Scotty! Warp 3…

5 points

My favorite junk food

My favorite junk food is chocolate, which is mostly sugar, except for some Swiss Miss chocolate milk mix, which has no sugar unlike Quik chocolate milk mix, which is eighty percent sugar. I don’t like Swiss Miss. It doesn’t have enough sugar. I like a lot of other junk foods, too, and Easter is the best time to get the candy by raiding little kid’s easter baskets. FOOD! Granola bars are not junk food. Hi there! Are we hungry yet? Where’s the beef? Not in junk food! That is all.

5 points

Living on a farm

I would not slop pigs or milk cows, I would run away and sell televisions and become rich. A farm is not for me. But I guess I would slop pigs if I were held on a farm with a gun at my head… say, whose stupid topic is this one anyway? Eric Rager is strange. Greg Saylin is a nice guy. Romy Peters is… well, a romy, which is insult enough. Greg Merchant is an accommodating person. Mike Damato is a romy. That is all.

5 points

Free Choice

And now, we continue our radio drama, “The Ragers,” a touching story about Eric and Romy Rager. Eric hasn’t been able to get a sportscasting job lately, and they and their fourteen children are beginning to feel the pangs of hunger. Their oldest son yesterday said that he and his friend, Michael Damato, are going to get married. “My son is a homosexual!” cries Romy upon hearing the news. ’Til next week… that is all.

5 points
Total for this section: 45/70

(Ms. Flynn decided not to collect the notebooks at the end of the year… which, in many ways, saved me. Thus, the following five entries are not graded.)

My favorite Disneyland character

My favorite Disneyland (sic) character is Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse is neat because he doesn’t suffer from stress, which can kill a person, like Walt Disney. Walt seemed like a nice guy. It’s too bad he croaked. I also like Donald Duck. He’s a real quacker. Minnie I hate. I also hate Daisy.

E.T.’s Planet

E.T.’s planet is called Glernovosquenianicatiricoldivanicakizontionim (“Home” for short). Their culture involves listening to the telephone, flying off to odd-ball planets, and watching “The Ragers,” that touching story about an out-of-work sportscaster, his wife, and their homosexual son. Their diet consists of granola bars (the chewy kind) and “C3PO’s,” imported from the planet Earth. Entertainment consists of watching reruns of “I Love Lucy,” “Leave it to Beaver,” and “I Married a Stuffed Doll.” Money consists of rubber coins 1 klubex (126.7593 km) in diameter. Nobody is very rich. Since their biology is based on sodium, suicide is done by drinking water. Their most important product is a solar-powered flashlight, which explains the poverty of the planet. One of the holidays of the planet is Zyggnizix, where all the kids dress up as Edward Asner, Mao Tse-tung, or Patti Hearst. Sometimes you will see Fidel Castro or Margaret Thatcher. Hydrochloric acid is a popular soft drink. The best selling imports are the cabbage-patch kids (“Delicious,” they say) and the dolls of the cast of “The Ragers.” That is all.

Where is the Twilight Zone?

The Twilight Zone… There is a fifth dimension not known to man… it is as large as forever and as timeless as infinity… it is between the peak of man’s knowledge and the pit of his superstition… it is off the 605 freeway before you get to Carson… yes! it is the home of that unique radio drama, “The Ragers.” Actually, it is in Rod Serling’s back yard. Steven Spielburg rented this out. The people who live there eat crunchy granola clusters and Donkey Kong cereal.

If you went to the land of Oz, what would you ask the Wizard for?

MONEY! I’m just wild about money… the feel of the Franc, the roughness of the Ruple, the power of the Peso, the cold, antiseptic sting of the Swiss Franc…

POWER! I want to control the world…

IDEAS! I want to be able to make anything…

ERIC’S VOCAL CORDS! I want to make sure he remains silent forever…

Do you believe in a mysterious force in the ∆?

This is the last sheet in my notebook!!!!!!!!!!!!

So. Is there a mysterious force in the Bermuda ∆? Yes there is. Eric Rager and Romy Peters are living proof of this. They were normal until they passed thru the BERMUDA TRIANGLE! I take that back. Eric was never normal. But his strangeness was amplified by the Triangle. Romy started reading strange books like Kiddies in Hydrochloric Acid. Eric told even worse jokes. Yes, the power of the Triangle is most powerful to those who deserve it. That is it.

Copyright © 1983-2000 by Rob Menke. All rights reserved.