CAT Specifications

Newsgroups: iu.classified
From: reid@….edu (Frank Reid)
Subject: KITTENS

The Mark I Charismatic Autonomous Terminator (CAT) system is a family of intelligent, stealthy, terminal-homing mouse-seeking missiles featuring multi-sensor targeting with dual night-vision devices, and neural-net architecture.

The CAT's self-righting inertial platform allows launch from any attitude. Integrated multi-aspect attack profile with indefinite-loiter mode insure a wide lethality envelope. Upon target engagement, the CAT deploys four clusters of retractable submunitions in addition to the primary warhead, providing an enhanced radius of destruction.

The CAT uses regular or exotic solid or liquid fuel and is equipped with a low-signature exhaust-obscuration system. Firmware and connectors compatible with any unit of the Mark I series guarantee unlimited expansion capability, making the CAT system a cost-effective countermeasure to the projected spectrum of rodent-threat scenarios well into the next century.

The CAT is now available* from Acme Anti-Roadrunner Systems Division of McDonald Dynamics. See us at the Paris Air Show, Tom Clancy's next movie, or contact Frank Reid at 855-07xx (day) or 339-73xx (evenings; be patient) for immediate free delivery.

*Cannot be shipped to Iraq.

But seriously, folks, five kittens born July 25 need good homes. ("Mother Superior" gets spayed this time for sure!) They are black and white in various combinations, like Socks, the Presidential cat, or Sylvester of cartoon fame. The pick of the litter has longish hair, a black mustache, and looks like Charlie Chaplin (but is female). They were raised indoors, are very tame and like to snuggle people. Mom has taught them what to do with rodents.

(From, 27 September 1994)