Mangling Impersonal Relationships

— Anonymous, culled from rec.humor.funny

Copious research has conclusively shown that there are exactly two dimensions to human personality: self-control and evangelism.

The Self-Control Scale

The self-control scale denotes the degree to which a person maintains control of his or her emotions. Humans are evenly distributed along this scale with Spock at one end (although he is really half Vulcan) and Sally Field at the other (see Figure 1).

Figure 1. Self-Control Scale
Spock Sally Field
Shows absolutely no emotion whatsoever, unless under the influence of mind-altering drugs, such as pod spray. Operates purely on emotion. Cries when reading “The Family Circus” or when nominated for an Oscar.

The Evangelism Scale

The evangelism scale denotes the degree to which a person forces his or her opinions and beliefs on others. Like the self-control scale, humans are evenly distributed on this scale, with Supreme Court nominees on one end and Jimmy Swaggart at the other (see Figure 2).

Figure 2. Evangelism Scale
David Souter Jimmy Swaggart
Opinions could not even be extricated through Senate judicial hearings. Offers opinions freely and without provocation, often frothing at the mouth and sweating profusely.

Where are You on the Scales?

Where each person falls on the self-control and evangelism scales is genetically predetermined and can be calculated from a questionnaire of 20 or so questions that you give to five of your friends/coworkers. This questionnaire was scientifically engineered and is backed up by copious research, so regardless of who answers this questionnaire (convenience store clerks, your mother, your worst enemies), your location on the scales is always the same. Oh, there have been some exceptions, but they were due to people getting confused when filling in the dots on the questionnaire.

The Personality Quadrants

Copious research has shown that there are four quadrants in which we can stereotype human personalities (see Figure 3). This graph is derived from the two personality scales, with Evangelism as the X axis and Self-Control as the Y axis.

Figure 3. Quadrants
Evangelism →
Anal-Retentives Megalomaniacs
Spineless Wimps Psychotics

Once your location on the scales is determined, we can plot your personality on a graph and pigeon-hole you for life! For example, if your questionnaire shows 1 on the Self-Control scale and 1 on the Evangelism scale, you would be classified as an Anal-Retentive, and are probably enjoying these numbers immensely. If you scored 19 on Self-Control and 19 on Evangelism, you are a Psychotic and are probably throwing a tantrum at this moment. Of course, there is no value judgment placed on any location in the quadrant: It’s OK to be a Spineless Wimp; it’s OK to by Psychotic; it’s OK to be where-ever you are (although YOUR location is rather abnormal).

By definition, the personality type of a particular quadrant hates the personality type in the opposite quadrant. So, ARs hate Psychotics and vice versa; likewise for SWs and Megalomaniacs. Understanding the hatred between these groups is the first step to building good teamwork!

The Anal-Retentive Quadrant
Characteristics Good with numbers, likes to work with machines more than humans, not fun at parties (unless everyone else is AR also), lots of them are engineers.
Nicknames Einstein, Good Engineer, Boring, The Computer
Favorite Phrase “I need more data.”
Handles Conflict by Playing video games.
Famous ARs Carl Sagan, Ayn Rand
The Spineless Wimps Quadrant
Characteristics Always friendly, always agreeable, make you feel good until you turn your back on them, soft handshake, good at organizing parties.
Nicknames Ol’ Reliable, Mr(s). Happy, Two-Faced Rat
Favorite Phrase “I agree.”
Handles Conflict by Giving in and then not inviting you to the next party.
Famous SWs George Bush, Dan Quayle
The Megalomaniacs Quadrant
Characteristics Cold, decisive, power-hungry, has delusions of grandeur, lets you know where you stand (usually within earshot of a crowd), dictatorial.
Nicknames Idi Amin, The Dictator, The Robot, The Rotten Bastard
Favorite Phrase “You’re wrong!”
Handles Conflict by Killing those who disagree.
Famous Ms Saddam Hussein, Alexander Haig
The Psychotics Quadrant
Characteristics Bubbly, bubbly, so-bubbly-you-want-to-strangle-them, obnoxious, insecure, humorous, fun at parties (especially when throwing a temper tantrum).
Nicknames Barrel-O-Fun, The Clown, The Psycho
Favorite Phrase “I have a vision.”
Handles Conflict by Threatening to kill self and everyone else.
Famous Ps Sam Kinison, Sally Field

The Flexibility Scale

In addition to the four quadrants, there is another dimension to personality (even though I said there were only two before). This other dimension is flexibility, also known as schizophrenia. This scale denotes how well can a person fake another personality type (see Figure 4).

Figure 4. Schizophrenia Scale
Catatonic Paranoid Split Per­sonal­ity Tri­phenia Quadro­phenia
Does not even have a per­sonal­ity. Most people are here. Man­ages to fake an addi­tional per­sonal­ity. Three per­sonal­ities! The ultimate in flexibility. Can fake all four per­sonal­ity types.

Although we can never change our basic location in the personality quadrants, we can strive for and achieve greater flexibility! For example, you may be merely paranoid now, but with a little work in this course, you could become a split personality or even quadrophenic! The key to flexibility is understanding the other personality types so that you can quickly and easily pigeon-hole those around you and understand what makes them tick. Once you know how to do this, you will find that it is much easier to manipulate those around you!


You now know everything you need to better mangle impersonal relationships. Good luck! And remember: It’s much easier to work with people once you’ve stereotyped them.