A SM2000 Special Report

LOS ALAMITOS — It looks like your typical Southern California suburb: tract houses, fast-food restaurants, children playing tag, teenagers shuttling back and forth on skateboards. But at night, the sleepy village of Los Alamitos takes on a more sinister air.

Roaming gangs of “Flashers” desecrate this town with “Flash Gordon”-related paraphernalia. Once limiting themselves to writing on dusty cars—a variant of the traditional “Wash me!”—these hoodlums have upgraded to paper.

Daniel Spisak found out the hard way just how brutal these punks can be.

“I came out of the pizza parlor rather late... we were playing some FRP [fantasy role-playing games] when I... I saw my car! It was horrible!”

What Spisak saw was an increasingly common sight in suburbs across America: a large banner emblazoned with the logo “Flash A-Ah!” had been taped to his windshield.

“I don’t know why this had to happen to me...” Spisak continues. “I mean, sure, I forced some friends to watch that campy ‘Flash Gordon’ movie, and, yeah, I suppose hearing Freddie Mercury blast out Flash A-Ah! every five seconds might push some people over the edge, but... but... this is insane!”

The FBI agrees. John Grant of the Criminal Psychology Group had this to say: “Given the evidence we have collected, I’d have to say we’re looking at the possibility of a group of serial pranksters here: severely mentally disturbed, obsessive, probably psychotic. Sure it’s all fun-and-games, but wait until someone loses an eye!”

But, for Daniel Spisak, the damage has been done.

“I don’t know what more to say,” added Spisak. “I’m completely bewildered.”

Later it was found that being bewildered is typical for Spisak.

After a period of many months, SM2000 was able to get inside one of these gangs of “Flashers” and ask some important questions.

Q: Why do you do this?

A: There’s nothing interesting on TV.

Q: Don’t you realize you’re scaring people?

A: Considering the amount of energy we put into these stupid pranks, the only people we’re scaring is ourselves.

Q: Is it really worth the effort?

A: That’s a pretty stupid question coming from a guy who has dedicated hundreds of hours documenting a beat-up Dodge Colt.

It was obvious by this point that the “Flashers” were not going to be cooperative.

SM2000 was able to follow these “Flashers” on one of their nightly runs.

First, a quick spin around the Long Beach traffic circle so they could be “high” enough to pull off the job.

“Ya gotta be focused, man,” one of the “Flashers” commented. “Ya gotta be into it. Ya gotta live, breathe, eat, and s**t Flash Gordon.”

Indeed you do. The “Flashers” are dedicated to their goal. Their meandering conversation is held together by only that tiny thread.

“Hey, look! The ‘Queen Motel!’”

“Cool! We could rent a room and show ‘Flash Gordon’ back-to-back with ‘Highlander’!”

Finally we reach our goal. Unfortunately for Dan Spisak, he is it.

Within moments, his hood is embellished with the words “FLASH A-AH!” Tragedy has struck again.

It was afterward, after the “Flashers” had meandered their separate ways, that this reporter realized the true nature of this obsession, this sub-culture of temporary graffiti.

Perhaps if Dan had only scanned things when he promised... perhaps if he was less of a fan of kitschy movies... perhaps if he didn’t play FRP games late into the night leaving himself vulnerable to these attacks... then perhaps he would stop being a victim.

Perhaps if he only washed his car...

(Flash Gordon, now a physician living in San Francisco, was unavailable for comment.)

This page is 100% breast-free. For some odd reason this page gets a lot of hits from perverts looking for a cheap thrill.