The question was:
O Oracle most wise, Do you ever surf the net in your Internet Coracle? What skins do you use?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Occasionally, but scraping the barnacles and tentacles off my coracle is such a debacle that it's a miracle I don't end up in manicles. You owe the Oracle a question he doesn't want to shove up your receptacle.
The question was:
Running Oracle, you are faster than I am. You are not half fast like me, but half faster like you. No one can beat you even in poker. My brother wants to go to Tripoli, and I looked it up on the map, and there were TWO of them! One is in like Lybbia and the other one isn't. With a name like that whey are there two? I would have thought three.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
The third Tripoli was renamed Bruce in 1705 by King Otto the Strange. No one knows why. Other interesting geography trivia: * There is no such place as Cleveland, Ohio. It's really a marketing ploy by the Ohio state tourism board. * As a result of the War of 1812, Paris was relocated to Kenya. * The terrain in Vermont makes it impossible to get from "here" to "there." * Siberia is actually quite pleasant. The stories of harsh conditions are spread by its rabidly xenophobic inhabitants. * Bloomington, Indiana is actually the code name for a secret underground installation located at the South Pole. You owe the Oracle a new Atlas. A book with maps in it would also help.
The question was:
Grand Oracle, you are splendid in your wrath & divine in your wit! Will Disney go to The Moon or Mars first?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
April 6, 2008 NASA FINALIZES PREPARATION OF MARS PROBE ORLANDO (AP) -- The final stage of NASA's massive Mars Terraforming Project (Phase I) was unearthed from DisneyWorld early this morning. A modified C-130 Air Force transport will carry the cryogenically suspended Walt Disney to a hanger at the Kennedy Space Port, where the body will be transferred into a capsule that will contain the first wave of robots designed to make Mars habitable. "We're going to thaw him to the point where he regains partial consciousness," explained project lead Mark Thompson. "It will be tricky; we don't want him to reach full consciousness or he may become mentally unstable from the extreme isolation." In a press conference yesterday, the President was again confronted on the ethics of sending a person into space who never explicitly gave permission to do so. "Walt Disney is a perfect candidate to control the terraforming robots on Mars," was the official response. "He was a visionary in his time; creating clean, healthy environments with population densities that would normally drive people psychotic. During the active portion of his life, he stated many times that he'd like to be part of the space program. We feel that, if he were fully conscious, he would eagerly take up the challenge." The launch is scheduled for Tuesday.
The question was:
If I send you a null "tell me" message even though I really, really meant to send it as an "ask me" message, does it still count against my karma?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Your current Karma is: 20 You will have: Okay Luck You can: 1. Send a witty 'tellme' 2. Send a poor 'tellme' 3. Send a 'tellme' that looks like English is your second language 4. Send a null 'tellme' 5. Send an 'askme' 6. Leave now 7. Send a null 'tellme' but really mean to send an 'askme' >3 You send a 'tellme' with several misspellings of Michael Jackson's name. Your Karma goes up by 35 points! Wow! Your Current Karma is: 55 You will have: Great Luck! You can: 1. Send a witty 'tellme' 2. Send a poor 'tellme' 3. Send a 'tellme' that looks like English is your second language 4. Send a null 'tellme' 5. Send an 'askme' 6. Leave now 7. Send a null 'tellme' but really mean to send an 'askme' >7 You send a null 'tellme' even though you meant to send an 'askme'. Your Karma goes down by 70 points. Your current Karma is: -15 You will have: Instant Death by Coffee.
The question was:
Hello my name is Emily Northsnott and I am currently studying year 12 at high School. I am studying Studies of society and am required to do an independent study. I have chosen to do football and investigate the hypothesis that Northern Suburbs footballers are bad role models for local teenagers. It would be much appreciated if you have an info on this topic or relating to it, if you could email it to me. Sincerely Emily Northsnott
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Emily, Emily, Emily. You'll never get far with that attitude. I mean, really! everyone knows that footballers are bad role models. Reiterating people's preconceptions is pabulum in the worst sense, and your work will be flushed away like yesterday's table scraps. No, what you need to be is unconventional and controversial. Start with your thesis and prove the opposite. Suggest that the violent behaviour learned will be useful once the country collapses into anarchy. Hint that the on-field camaraderie will allow the teenagers to deal with the complex social nuances of homosexual prison rape that they will encounter later in life. Indicate that the mimicry of heavy drug and alcohol abuse prepares them for careers in government. Do well, and Rupert Murdoch may just have a place for you in his organisation. You owe the Oracle a page three girl.
The question was:
Salutations Mighty Oracle. How should I respond to the following question, as posed to me by Alok Braxton of Megaspam Inc.? Suppose we tell you that you could really lose up to 82% of your unwanted body fat and keep it off in just a few months, would you be interested? We certainly hope so! Have you tried just about every diet out there-but nothing seems to work?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Decide on your mood, then select one of the following: PRECISE: I want to lose 83% of my unwanted body fat, no less. Sorry. OBTUSE: After I lose all that fat, will I find it under the sofa in three months? CYNICAL: "Up to 82%" includes "0%," you know. RECURSIVE: I'm interested in knowing why you are so interested in my interest. I find it interesting. PARANOID: Where will the other 18% of my unwanted body fat be? I hope it's not my left buttock! That would make me fall over when I sit down. AGGRESSIVE: Do you know how many calories a good bout of "spam rage" burns? Keep sending me mail and I won't need your product! You owe the Oracle a means to send unwanted body fat through e-mail.
The question was:
Wise Oracle most stimulating and talk-radio like, Why am I so thirsty?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Hi! This is WHOR, *more* stimulating talk radio, and you're on the air! > Why am I so thirsty? Excuse me? > Why am I so thirsty? This is the All-Knowing Oracle Show, and you're asking... why you are thirsty? > Yes. Well, have you had anything to drink lately? > Drink? Yeah, liquid refreshment, the cool stuff. Had any? > I do not know of this "drink" you mention. Ah, so you're a "long-time listener." Let me explain. Your body needs liquid, whether you take it in the form of tap water, carbonated soda, or fructose-laden sports enhancers. Failing to provide your body with these liquids can result in decreased performance in the form of "death." > So you suggest I have one of these "drinks." You and me both, pal. <quick snippet of canned laughter> Well, that was fascinating. Let's see who else wants to speak their mind. WHOR, you're on the air... You owe the Oracle a stiff drink.
The question was:
Wise Oracle, what's that annoying buzzing I keep hearing?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Sounds like you have a wee bug in that there computer, humming and
buzzing and making your life miserable. Which reminds me...
[The Oracle blows into a pitch pipe, then proceeds to sing one note
higher than that played.]
There was a young hacker who inserted a bug.
Why would he plug at inserting a bug?
I guess he's a thug.
His replacement decided to insert a patch
In hopes that the elusive bug it would catch.
The patch was inserted to stop the bug,
Who added the bug, I can just shrug.
I guess he's a thug.
His manager decided to call it a change
How strange! to call it a change
The change was a nicer name for the patch,
The patch was inserted to stop the bug,
Who added the bug, I can just shrug.
I guess he's a thug.
The marketing group called it a feature
(as a marketing droid is a curious creature)
The feature was named to hide the change,
The change was a nicer name for the patch,
The patch was inserted to stop the bug,
Who added the bug, I can just shrug.
I guess he's a thug.
The company decided it was worth a version
and prepared it for commercial dispersion.
The version was released to hold the feature,
The feature was named to hide the change,
The change was a nicer name for the patch,
The patch was inserted to stop the bug,
Who added the bug, I can just shrug.
I guess he's a thug.
The user was asked to pay for this crap,
and finally his patience at end did snap.
So he stood up and demanded the source,
HE DIDN'T GET IT, OF COURSE.
You owe the Oracle a better excuse to practice his karaoke skills.
The question was:
Dear all knowing Oracle, in one of your last emails you asked for a complete list of ASCII-Characters including the (tm) sign. Ummm... this is a bit of problem. But I've approached the appropriate standardisation body in your name and they were ever so helpful. But even they can't do miracles so it might take a couple of weeks. They suggested that, in the meantime, we think of any other characters we might want to have added to the set and also which characters are to be dropped in favor of the new ones. I'm for adding the (c)-sign as well and to drop 1/2 and 1/4 for the two new signs. What are your suggestions?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT MANDATES ACCEPTANCE OF ASCII-16
** "Like UNICODE, but without those fruity foreign currency symbols"
Bush spokesman says.
Washington (AP) -- Last Monday, the President signed Executive Order
2003-11, "Adoption of a 16-bit extended character standard for Federal
computer initiatives."
"The President has been advised that the number of symbols in the
current computer alphabet was too small for our current needs, so he
authorized the extension. It's similar to the popular UNICODE, but
space isn't wasted on accents or any other non-American garbage.
Important commercial symbols, including those relating to trademarks
and copyrights, have been retained."
"This is typical of the Bush administration's insensitivity to the
rest of the world," said Howard Dean, the current front-runner of the
opposing Democratic candidates. "A standard is in place which fulfills
the need of more than 95% of the industrial world, but noooooo... good
ol' G.W. has to go piss on it. What's he going to do, fill up the
remaining slots with Republican-themed dingbats?"
Dean isn't far off. A prerelease of the standard shows the majority
of the blocks filled with "Megaman" graphics, so that the President has
an easier job when he works on his weekly sprite comic.
The real pressure is now on the suppliers of computer equipment to
the Department of Defense. Since the majority of computer fonts are
licensed rather than designed in-house, it is unlikely that vendors
will have the required fonts available by the deadline prescribed in
the order. "We're not going to bother," said a spokesman for AFGA, a
major font vendor. "Our direct military sales are so low it doesn't
justify the cost. We suspect our licensees will either pick up the cost
or produce their own [low-quality] fonts. It's a boneheaded move, and I
can't see any sane organization embracing it."
The RIAA has published a statement of general approval.
The question was:
Oh great Oracle, about 4 weeks ago, I asked you an all important question and your incarnation happily replied to me. I lept for joy and began my long journey back home with my answer (along the way, I hitched a ride on a fleet of passing Vogons, got spaced, met this guy with two heads and essentially spent the whole journey without any tea, but that is a different story). Unfortunately, when I reported your wisdom to the elders of my world, they were unhappy. They were not unhappy with the answer, but they were unhappy because it was not you, oh great one, that answered me, it was someone else that you had sub-contracted and they ordered me to return and get the answer from the REAL oracle. So, I once again hitched a ride with a fleet of passing Vogons (they were on their way back, having just destroyed a small yellow-blue planet orbiting a small yellow red sun in the northern arm of the Milky Way galaxy). I endured 2 hours of intense poetry before flinging myself into the airlock and snagging a passing garbage scowl. So now I am again before you. I have my same question to ask you again (I've rehersed it for centuries and could word it in my sleep). Please, I beg of thee for the sake of my sanity and the well-being of my people, please answer my question in your true form. *clears throat and begins to recite* Oh great Oracle, whose feet I am unworthy to grovel at, I have traveled eight thousand light years for the past twelve centuries to seek your infinite wisdom. I have braved the scorching sands of Drimhar VI and the acidic oceans of Tri-Hurc III. I have risked life and limb to ask you this all important question. A question that has torn my people apart for eons. A question that has led to war and hunger and death all because my people lack the true answer. They have selected me, oh great Oracle, to find that missing piece of truth that we so desperately need. So I beg of thee, please answer my simple question to I can return to my home and bring peace. *clears throat* In a one-on-one fight, who would win? The U.S.S. Enterprise (NCC-1701-D) under the command of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, or the Imperial Death Star under the command of Darth Vader?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Ok, ok, sorry about that sub-contracting thing, but my assistants
always sub-contract out questions that fail to provide enough information
for me to determine the answer.
"Not enough information?!?" I hear you cry.
Yes, you didn't provide me with the personalities involved in the
conflicts. As you are aware, both Captain Jean-Luc Picard, hereafter
referred to as JLP, and Darth Vader, hereafter referred to as DV, both
are DYNAMIC characters, meaning the nature of their characterization
changed over the course of the story.
DV was the most evil, vile thing in the universe during Star Wars and
The Empire Strikes Back, but when we learned he was Luke's father, he
suddenly became nice, killing the Emperor and all that. We'll refer
to these personalities as EV (Evil Vader) and LF (Luke's father),
respectively.
JLP underwent a similar transformation, but in the opposite direction.
Remember, he used to be a major wimp, letting Riker do all the exciting
stuff like beam down to strange, dangerous planets to have sex with
strange, dangerous women, while he sat in his chair and had Troi
come up with diplomatic ways out of fights instead of blowing the
bad guys' butts all over space like Kirk would have done. (I blame
it all on Donahue.) But then he started to change. (It might have
been remnants of Borg microprogramming.) He started to tell Worf
to arm the photon torpedoes a lot more, and got in more fist-fights
with transdimensional terrorists, and started having sex. We'll refer
to these personalities as DP (Diplomatic Picard) and AP (Aggressive
Picard), respectively.
Now, check out the following conflict chart, which shows the outcome
of a conflict between the various personalities:
|DP|AP EV = Evil Vader
--+--+-- LF = Luke's father
EV|EV|MD DP = Diplomatic Picard
--+--+-- AP = Aggressive Picard
LF|MD|AP MD = Mutual Destruction
Let's go through the scenarios:
SCENARIO I: Evil Vader vs. Diplomatic Picard
Data: Captain, there is a large object off the port bow. It looks
like a spacecraft of some kind.
Picard: Open hailing frequencies, Mr. Worf.
Worf: Hailing frequencies open, Captain. They are not responding to
our signal.
Riker: Suggest defensive action, Captain.
Troi: I sense... a great evil.
Riker: The shields, Captain?
Picard: (pensively) Nooooo... they might interpret that as an
aggressive action. Drop shields to show we're friendly.
(The Enterprise drops its shields, then disappears in a
thunderous fireball a half-second later)
SCENARIO II: Evil Vader vs. Aggressive Picard
Data: Captain, there is a large object off the port bow. It looks
like a spacecraft of some kind.
Picard: Open hailing frequencies, Mr. Worf.
Worf: Hailing frequencies open, Captain. They are not responding to
our signal.
Riker: Suggest defensive action, Captain.
Troi: I sense... a great evil.
Picard: Battle stations! Raise the shields! Arm photon torpedoes!
Fire phasers across their bow!
Data: The craft is responding with some sort of plasma energy
weapon... Impact in 3... 2... 1...
(Everybody falls back and forth as the camera shakes.
Riker cops a feel of Troi.)
Geordi: (off camera) Captain, the engines are down! We lost power to
the photon torpedo cannon! Phasers are running at 35%!
Picard: Right! Prepare for self-destruct!
Riker: Is that wise?
Picard: That's a hostile, unknown alien force out there. We can't let
them find out why our doors go 'Whoosh!'
Picard: (to computer) Computer, begin self-destruction sequence.
Confirm, Picard, Jean-Luc...
(Pan out to view of Enterprise and Imperial Death Star. The
Enterprise disappears in a annihilating flash, which also
takes out the Death Star.)
SCENARIO III: Luke's father vs. Aggressive Picard
Data: Captain, there is a large object off the port bow. It looks
like a spacecraft of some kind.
Picard: Open hailing frequencies, Mr. Worf.
Worf: Hailing frequencies open, Captain. They are not responding to
our signal.
Riker: Suggest defensive action, Captain.
Troi: I sense... great peace.
Picard: Battle stations! Raise the shields! Arm photon torpedoes!
Troi: But Captain, they aren't aggressive...
Picard: (realizing that Troi never knows what she is talking about)
Fire phasers across their bow!
(The phasers fire across the surface of the Death Star, but
thanks to the creative placement of vents that lead directly
to the power core, the whole thing explodes. One would think
that something the size of the Death Star exploding would take
out an entire sector of space, but since X-Wing fighters can
escape unscathed, the Enterprise is unharmed.)
Picard: Oops.
SCENARIO IV: Luke's father vs. Diplomatic Picard
Data: Captain, there is a large object off the port bow. It looks
like a spacecraft of some kind.
Picard: Open hailing frequencies, Mr. Worf.
Worf: Hailing frequencies open, Captain. They are not responding to
our signal.
Riker: Suggest defensive action, Captain.
Troi: I sense... great peace.
Worf: I have received a message from the alien craft. They wish to
join our quest for knowledge about the galaxy.
Riker: I don't trust them, Captain.
Picard: Riker, you're a paranoid twit. Return the message, Mr. Worf.
Tell them that they are welcome.
Worf: (alarmed) Captain! A large number of small craft have just
uncloaked in this sector!
Troi: I sense... great hostility.
Data: The computer confirms it. These crafts belong to the
Interstellar Science Fiction Fan Club. They demand we do
something interesting instead of character development and
trite Holodeck(tm) adventures.
Picard: Perhaps I can negotiate...
(On the word 'negotiate,' the ISFFC space fleet fires their
cannons, vaporizing the Enterprise and the Death Star. Chants
of 'Wesley is dead!' are heard across the galaxy.)
You owe the Oracle nothing. But I wouldn't mind seeing a simulation
of the battle between Unicron and the Death Star...