(Answer-27 Oct 1997)
The question was:
> Oh, Almighty Oracle, whose feet are fungus-free and whose > breath smells of elderberries... > > Why is Babylon 5 so much better than Star Trek: Voyager?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Whoa there, pardner. Before we ask "why," we better be sure of our
} facts (and, just for fun, I'm going to throw in "Dr. Who" to boot):
}
} CAPTAIN:
} Babylon 5: Capt. Scarecrow
} Voyager: Capt. Columbo
} Dr. Who: Various
} Winner: Voyager
} Comment: Actually a tossup, but Kate is much more easy on the eyes.
}
} SHIP:
} Babylon 5: Giant space station
} Voyager: Speedy little starship
} Dr. Who: Phone booth
} Winner: Voyager
} Comment: Like "DS9," the characters spend more time OFF the station
} than on it.
}
} MAJOR PLOT THEME:
} Babylon 5: "Government is evil."
} Voyager: "Get off my ship."
} Dr. Who: "No matter where I go, trouble."
} Winner: Babylon 5
} Comment: While it is nice to see Kate running around in a tank top,
} it gets tiring after a while. Besides, Babylon 5 is the
} most realistic.
}
} BEST ENEMY:
} Bablyon 5: Shadows
} Voyager: Borg
} Dr. Who: Daleks
} Winner: Babylon 5/Dr. Who (tie)
} Comment: In all of the Star Treks, the enemy was always America's
} enemy du jour: Roddenbery had little imagination (or a
} great sense of irony). The Klingons were Russians (gruff,
} aggressive, but fun on an odd level), the Romulans were
} Chinese (devious, manipulative), the Cardassians were Iraqi
} (totalitarian, brutal), and the Borg were Microsoft
} ("Resistance is useless. You will be assimilated").
}
} SPECIAL EFFECTS:
} Voyager: Models, matte painting
} Babylon 5: CGI
} Dr. Who: Latex, Papier-mache
} Winner: Voyager
} Comment: The Oracle *hates* Gouraud shading.
}
} SEX:
} Voyager: Lots
} Babylon 5: Lots
} Dr. Who: None
} Winner: Voyager/Babylon 5 (tie)
} Comment: Considering how perverted the British can be at times, this
} is surprising. There wasn't even innuendo.
}
} POSSIBLE NEW EPISODES:
} Voyager: Yes
} Babylon 5: Only on TBS
} Dr. Who: No (the BBC is twisted scum)
} Winner: Voyager
} Comment: Considering how loyal TBS is to its series, I don't give B5
} much longer. (The Oracle is still furious with TBS for
} canceling "Swat Kats.")
}
} And the winner is... "Dr. Who."
} Reason: The least pretentious of all the series. A simple,
} easy-to-follow plot that doesn't require hiring Frontline
} to analyze (unlike Babylon 5) and doesn't require deus ex
} machina particles to seal plot holes (unlike Voyager), but
} still thoroughly entertaining for everybody. If you don't
} like the story, laugh at the special effects.
}
} You owe the Oracle Tom Baker's autograph.
(Question-28 Oct 1997)
The question was:
> They call them the "Seven W's": Who, What, Where, Which, When, Why, and How. > > Shouldn't that be Whow?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} All depends on who's saying it, sweetie.
(Answer-12 Nov 1997)
The question was:
> Oracle, better than a crushed kneewcap, whose nose smells like roses (but > does not actually smell roses) - tell me...why ar ebell clams so damn hard > to cook?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Ar Ebell clam-- or more popularly, "desert clam"-- is a marvel of } evolution. Found only in the Ar Ebell desert, this unique mollusk has } developed a thick membrane that traps moisture within but allows oxygen } and waste to pass through, allowing it to reduce its metabolism until } moisture is abundant. } } The secret to cooking Ar Ebell clams is to remove that membrane. Most } people just tear it off (and destroy the clam in the process), but the } real secret is to soak it in lemon juice overnight. The next morning } the membrane will just fall off. } } You owe the Oracle a tundra lobster (with garlic butter).
(Answer-07 Jan 1998)
The question was:
> Oracle, most wise, before whom BC3K is fun to play, I come > before you as a humble supplicant with the following > question: > > Derek Smart has *tons* of friends. People are > constantly talking about him on c.s.i.p.g.strategy. > What do I need to do to become as popular as > he is? > > I humbly await your reply, > Hymie
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It's all in a name. Listen: "Derek Smart." Crisp. Clean. Highly } Anglo-Saxon. der-ECH smarTTT. Just listen to those consonants. } } Compare that to "Hymie." Nasal. Feminine. Easily mocked. hi-MEE. } Brings to mind the poor kid always beaten up on the playground. } } Change your name to "Dirk Vicious." dirKK vish-ohSSSS. Guaranteed } results.
(Question-07 Jan 1998)
The question was:
> How many licks does it take to get to the center of a woodchuck?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, let's see. First off, I'd zot you today for the lack of even a } rudimentary grovel, but I'm still bummed out by the death of Sonny Bono (he } represented the promise that even small weird-looking guys could get it on } with sexy long-legged chicks), so I'll overlook it just this once and } proceed directly to the matter at heart. } } A typical bottle of Woodchuck cider is 16oz, so the center of a Woodchuck } would be 8oz. I'm not sure why you're licking it rather than drinking it } like a normal person, but experiemental research done at the prestigious } Oracle Labs determined that the average lick can carry around .08oz (lapping } does better, but is impolite), so the average person would take 100 licks to } get to the center of a Woodchuck. Lisa did it in 53 licks, but she's } *really* good at licking... } } You owe the Oracle a good recipee for owl and turtle stew.
(Question-09 Jan 1998)
The question was:
> Knowing how you feel about woodchucks, I'm curious to know what was your > opinion of the movie "Groundhog Day"?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ever since Groundhog Day came out, it's become somewhat of a mini-cult } movie. As a result, they always play it at repertory theatres every } February 2. Year after year, they just play it over and over, year after } year, they always play it, it just keeps playing over and over and over } again... } } You owe the Oracle a way of removing Andie McDowell from any movie she's } been in.
(Question-12 Jan 1998)
The question was:
> } You owe the Oracle a really mindboggling question about the art of Odd > } Nerdrum, the famous Norwegian painter. > > OK, > > How did the art of Odd Nerdrum, the famous Norwegian painter, affect the > evolution of modern deconstructionalism?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Nerdrum wasn't a deconstructionalist, he was an } antiecclesiodisetablishmentarianist. The } antiecclesiodisetablishmentarianist movement had very little impact on } modern (or pre- or post-modern, for that matter) deconstructionalism. } However, Nerdrum's work had a profound impact on the movement in art } towards neo-antiecclesiodisetablishmentarianism, particularly in the } field of impressionistic-surreal-neoantiecclesiodisetablishmentarianism. } Hope this cleared it up for you. } } You owe the Oracle an English word longer than } antiecclesiodisetablishmentarianistic and a round of Scrabble.
(Answer-17 Jan 1998)
The question was:
> Hey Oracleman, riddle me this! > > Expand (x-a)*(x-b)*(x-c)*...*(x-z)
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "Holy Hofstadter, Oracleman! That's going to be one wicked } polynominal!" exclaimed Lisa. } "Indeed," I replied, noting that she was already busy scribbling an } expansion on her notepad, "but the twenty-fourth term is the killer." } "Twenty-fourth?" she said, puzzled. "Um, that would be... (x-x)?" } I stared at her until she slapped her head in annoyance. "Of course! } It all reduces to zero! But why would the Puzzler send you something } so obvious?" } "Because its a clue to something more sinister, chum. That's what we } have to find out." } } Normally the Puzzler gives obvious hints about his capers, but this } one had even my razor-sharp mind boggled. } Lisa had all but given up. She sat in the large armchair in the } Commissioner's office, fiddling dejectedly with the envelope in which } the message came. She stared at it, then sniffed it cautiously. } "Smells like chicken," she sighed. } Her statement triggered something in the back of my mind. "What?" I } asked cautiously. } "Oh, this stain on the envelope. It smells like chicken grease." } I practically leaped across the room to snatch the envelope from her } startled hands. } After taking a deep whiff myself, I said, "Not just any kind of fried } chicken, chum, but *Polly's* Fried Chicken!" } The Commissioner marveled at my sensitive nose, but he was still } missing the connection. Fortunately, Lisa didn't. } "Polly... polynominal!" } "Right!" I shouted, glad to be on the track of something. "And I } would gamble anything that there's a Polly's Chicken franchise on } Nominal Avenue. To the Oraclemobile!" } The Commissioner was reaching for the phone book as Lisa and I } bolted from the room. "Don't bother checking, Commissioner," she } called back over her shoulder, "he's always right!" } } Indeed I was. We entered the Polly's Chicken on Nominal from the } roof. Scaling walls is easy; all you have to do is pretend that } everyone is looking at you sideways and that you're really walking } along the ground. } The store was deserted. } "Perhaps it was a coincidence?" my partner inquired, almost } apologetically. } "With the Puzzler, it's *never* a coincidence," I snarled back. } As if on cue, all the lights in the store came on, momentarily } blinding us. When our eyes undazzled, we found ourselves facing two } large guys in bowling shirts, each bearing the embroidered name } "Herb." } Also present was the Puzzler! "Herbs," he shouted, "get them!" } The Herbs were no match for our polished fighting skills, so it } looked like an easy win... until the Spice Girls suddenly appeared and } started singing. We tried to hold out as long as possible, but } eventually the pain was too much and we had to cover our ears. } Without the use of our arms, the Herbs (who were wearing earmuffs, I } noted) quickly beat us into unconsciousness. } } I awoke first. } "Ah, Oracleman! I see you're awake. What do you think of my } seven secret Herbs and Spices?" } "I think you're insane," I muttered. } We had been manicled to chairs. In front of me was a computer } console. The handcuffs I wore gave me just enough slack to reach the } keyboard. } Lisa moaned to signal her return to consciousness. } "I see you're curious about this setup. The computer in front of } you will begin to display logic puzzles. You have thirty seconds to } solve each one. If you answer incorrectly or fail to answer at all, } the crack in the platform below you will open an inch. When it opens } wide enough, you and your lovely companion will be dumped directly } into the deep fat fryer, and you'll quickly become tomorrow's special } of the day." } "You twisted goon! Leave Lisa out of this!" } "Sorry, Oracleman! I need to keep the both of you busy while I go } out and commit the Crime of the Century! Herbs! Spices! Pack up, } we're moving out." } He chuckled evilly as the first logic puzzle appeared on the } screen. "Enjoy yourself, Oracleman. Don't think too hard; you'll } give yourself a headache..." } } Great Spicy Chicks! Can Orrie and Lisa escape before they become } just another Urban Legend? Find out next week! Same Oracle time, } same Oracle channel!
(Question-19 Jan 1998)
The question was:
> Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bong?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bong"! That's what Q told me our contact was } expecting as the password. We're just going to have to say "Ba Wheep } Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bong" to every dignitary at this convention until } we find the one who responds. We've got the heads of most countries } in the world here, so let's get going. Mr Clinton! } } Yes? } } The name's Bond, James Bond. } } Hello Mr Bond. } } Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bong. } } I beg your pardon. } } Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bon. } } I'm sorry. I didn't even inhale, let alone learn any of that British } junkie slang. } } I see. Sorry for bothering you Mr Clinton. } } That's fine. See you around Mr Bond. } } OK Chaps, it's not Mr Clinton. Mr Blair! } } Hello. Aren't you one of ours? } } Yes Prime Minister. The name's Bond, James Bond. Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep } Ninny-bon. } } Hmmm. I don't know what that is, but slip me a million pounds and I'll } make sure the EEC allows you to write it on the side of racing cars. } Deal? } } Sorry, Prime Minister. I was talking while I was eating. Look, there's } a drug-addled rock star. } } Excuse me, I must go and have my photograph taken with him. Goodbye } Mr Bond. } } Mr Yeltsin. Mr Yeltsin! The name's Bond, James Bond. Ba Wheep Gra Na } Wheep Ninny-bon. } } (silence). } } Mr Yeltsin, Mr Yeltsin! Oh dear, he appears to be dead. He's awfully } cold to the touch. } } Mr Bond! Our leader is not dead, this is a vicious rumour. He is merely } suffering from a bad cold. } } Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bon. } } No, he's not suffering from any of your decadent Western diseases, merely } a bad cold. Please excuse me while I put our great leader back in the } freezer. } } OK chaps, chin up and don't give up. Mr Kim! } } Hello. } } The name's Bond, James Bond. } } Hello Mr Bond. Can you spare a dollar or two? } } Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bon. } } Yes, very good. You see, I wouldn't ask you but Korea's in a bit of } a tight spot at the moment and I could only afford a one way ticket. } } Sure Mr Kim. Take ten. Look, the North Koreans are over there and } I'm sure you can sell them enough secrets about your military to } afford a ticket home. } } [much later] } } Not anyone in the Western world, not Africa, not South America. This } is more difficult than I thought. Mr Eye al For Eye. Mr Eye al For } Eye! } } Good evening. You are British, no? } } Yes. The name's Bond, James Bond. Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bon. } } (pause) You speak Afghani very well Mr Bond. Have you spent time in my } country? Destabilising the Russians I hope (laughs) } } Mr Eye al For Eye, you are our contact, are you not? } } Contact? I'm sorry Mr Bond, but I don't know what you are talking about. } } But, you understood the password!! } } Well yes, but I can't see what 'You can take your job and stuff it' has } to do with anything. Have you been to Afghanistan often? } } You owe The Oracle a magazine with 'Contacts' written on the cover.
(Question-19 Jan 1998)
The question was:
> Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bong?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} And ba wheep gra na wheep ninny-bong to you, kind supplicant. I notice } that you append your intergalactic greeting with a question mark. Are } you asking what it means, perhaps? Surely you know that the phrase } is from an old computer game, which claimed it was a message of peace. } This is, of course, entirely untrue. The message is actually } mathematically proven to be the least provoking phrase in the universe. } } As was recently discovered by your human astronomers, there is a lot } more space out there than meets the eye. Given this almost infinite } space, one can deduce that there is an almost infinite number of stars, } with an almost infinite number of planets around them. My bookie says } that the chance for life is 1 in 9 (Actually the chances are 2 in 9, } but those NASA bunglers keep sneezing on their rocks.), and since an } almost infinite number divided by nine is... lessee, carry the 1... } is an almost infinite number with a remainder of 6, that makes for } an almost infinite number of languages. From this point the } calculations start to get complicated, with a lot of language theory } and esperanto thrown in for good measure. The point being that when } you're mucking about with a large number of languages, any random } phrase is likely to be a disgusting insult in some language or another. } As it turns out, ba wheep gra na wheep ninny-bong is a harmless in all } languages but one, where it means "may your dear sweet auntie be slowly } eaten alive by a narg fairy." } } In response to your question, then, no. You see, my dear sweet auntie } IS a narg fairy, and she's very hungry. } } You owe the Oracle an essay on how not to insult the Oracle, given that } he knows an infinite number of languages. In esperanto. Or I'll send } Aunt Viola after you. } } Incarnation's note: The above answer is fiction. fick-shun. As in not } true. In the real world, the phrase "ba wheep gra na wheep ninny-bong" } is much more likely to put you in the hospital than, say, "here's my } wallet." You have been warned. fnord.