The question was:
After almost a year of campaining and complaining, I must admit defeat
in trying to make your old name stick. So I've decided to write a
song about it:
The Internet was the Usenet Oracle
Now it's the Internet, not the Usenet Oracle
Been a long time gone, the Usenet Oracle
Now it's Woodchuck Delight on a moonlight night
Every answer from the Usenet Oracle
comes from the Internet, not the Usenet Oracle
So if you've sent some mail to the Usenet Oracle
It'll be coming from the Internet
Even the old Internet
was once the Arpanet
Why they changed it I can't say
NSF just liked it better that way
So ask me, tell me, the Usenet Oracle
No, you can't go ask the Usenet Oracle
Been a long time gone, the Usenet Oracle
Why did the Usenet Oracle get the works?
That's nobody's business but those jerks
In--ter--net
What do you think?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Supplicant man, Supplicant man Doing the things a supplicant can What's he like? It's not important Supplicant man Is he a troll, or is he a hack? When he's online does he get net? Or does the net get him instead? Nobody knows, Supplicant man Political man, Political man Political man hates Supplicant man They have a fight, Political wins Political man Oracle man, Oracle man Size of the entire universe man Usually kind to supplicant man Oracle man He's got a wand with a Usenet hand Internet hand and a zot-zot hand When they meet it's a scary land Powerful man, Oracle man
The question was:
Oh strong looking Oracle, he whose nostrils I am unworthy to gaze into and whose hair I am unworthy to pick through for fleas, whose thighs are stronger than a legion of warriors, and whose taller than a statue please answer my question. Why exactly do all Oracles require people to grovel? --------------------------------------------------------- Get Your *Web-Based* Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ---------------------------------------------------------
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
"WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN?"
(a play in one act)
SCENE: HOTMAIL, INC., a fully-owned subsidiary of ORACUCO INDUSTRIES.
JOHN, the foreman, is with JACK, a minor executive. VARIOUS
WORKERS hustle back-and-forth. Suddenly, a crisis occurs (but
then again, that's the nature of crises).
JOHN: Dammit, we're losing power!
JACK: What? Again? How do they expect us to keep these
Sparcservers on line without electricity? How are we to offer
free e-mail if we have to pay for electricity?!?
WORKER: Central office on the line, sir! They want to know what's
with the slow-down.
JOHN: Can't those jerks tell? Our Egion generator's down to 30% power...
JACK: What did it? A malicious rumor? A gaffe on the Great One's
part? Kinzler threatening to change the name again to the
Microsoft Network Oracle?
JOHN: No, looks like attrition from lack of grovels.
JACK: Dammit, won't those fools ever learn? The Oracle's ego
supplies power for systems around the world! Our entire setup
here will fail! People will have to start PAYING for e-mail
services!
VARIOUS WORKERS: (Shocked gasps)
JOHN: (panicking) You, and you! Go tell him how white--no,
bright!--his toga is. You, go tell him that you'd be unworthy
to floss with his nasal hair! Do it, do it, do it!
JACK: (as lights fade) I just hope we're not too late...
FIN
The question was:
Oh aptly named oracle, who knows all and shares it too... Now that Dennis Rodman's going to change his name to Orgasm, will people have to stop calling you, "Big O"?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
No, but ever since I changed my name, a bunch of wise-asses have been calling me "the supernatural entity formerly known as the Usenet Oracle." You owe the Oracle some respect.
The question was:
Why the Gehenna am I getting duplicates of the same question over and over?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
From the Wall Street Journal, May 27:
ORACUCO INDUSTRIES AND CYBER PROMOTIONS
ANNOUNCE MERGER
BLOOMINGTON, INDIANA -- Dismayed by the quality of this quarter's
subcontracted questions, Oracuco Industries has initiated a merger
with another high-tech company, Cyber Promotions.
Cyber Promotions uses an advanced technology called e-mail to
advertise on the International Network of computers, or "Inter-net."
Their technology allows them to reach millions of people for only a
few dollars.
Oracuco Industries is responsible for 83% of the wisdom on the
Inter-net, which it provides to its end-users through a patented
question-and-answer format. Those not directly involved with this
process can also receive the distilled wisdom through newsletters
called "Oracularities" and "Best of's."
"We're very excited here," said Oracuco CEO Steve Kinzler. "Our
software was designed on a one-in, one-out model. With the
integration of Cyber Promotions' "spamming" technologies, we'll be
able to disseminate questions to large numbers of people, improving
the odds of getting an answer that not only makes sense, but is funny
as well."
Added Cyber Promotions' Sanford "Spam King" Wallace, "This is great
for both companies! Oracuco will get a much-needed boost in volume,
and the endorsement of the Oracle will disperse some of the negative
publicity Cyber Promotions has been getting."
"We've received very few complaints so far," said Lisa, the Oracuco
Press Representative. "We have been testing the spamification
software in our system for a week, and have found few interface
problems. I'd say it's a go."
The Chairman of Oracuco Industries, the Usenet Oracle, was
unavailable for comment. Rumor has it that he is displeased with the
merger, and may be planning on using his <ZOT!> gun, a powerful weapon
designed to atomize his enemies.
Also questionable is the numerous legal problems, both criminal and
civil, which haunt Wallace. Various Inter-net factions have joined
forces in a lawsuit against Wallace, claiming his bulk e-mailings are
in violation of the same law that prohibits unsolicited fax messages.
Upon news of the proposed merger, Oracuco Industries went up 3/4,
Cyber Promotions down 2.
The question was:
What are the features of Oracle 8 ? Whart are the fearutes of Forms 5 ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Spell checking?
The question was:
But I didn't order any pizza!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Doesn't matter. I knocked, you asked "Who's there?" and I answered. As part of my contract with humanity, you owe me any payment I demand for answering your question. Just because I am working a second job as a Domino's delivery guy so I can pay off Lisa's VISA bill this month does *not* mean I am exempt from my duties and privileges as an Oracle... You owe the Oracle $15.75, plus a tip would be appreciated. (Also an explanation of how anyone could rack up a $553 tab at any place called Spatula World would be a big help. That boggles even my omniscience...)
The question was:
Oh great all-knowing, all-seeing Oracle, who's toes I am unworthy to clean by licking, Why does my campus pop machine give me extra Mountain Dews? I mean, the machine even said it was out of Mountain Dew, so I got a Dr Pepper, and it still gave me a Dr Pepper and a Mountain Dew. To the best of my knowledge, it only does this for me. ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
"NO TIME FOR LOVE"
(a superspy movie in one act)
SCENE: HOTMAIL, INC., a fully-owned subsidiary of ORACUCO INDUSTRIES.
Chaos and confusion reigns. Computers are smashed, showering
the floor and walls with electric sparks. A thin haze of
smoke fills the air. The firing of machine guns can be heard
in the distance, along with the agonized screams of wounded
men.
(Enter THE ORACLE, leading A BABE by the hand.)
ORACLE: I've got to get you out of here, then go back and activate the
self destruct mechanism for this complex. If I'm right, it's
the only way "Operation Mountain Dew" will be a guaranteed
success.
BABE: Oh, Oracle, you're so brave!
VOICE: (offstage) ... and so stupid!
(A figure emerges from the haze. It is WILLIAM GATES,
villain. He is cradling an oversized white mouse, one of
those annoying Microsoft mice that only righties can use.
BABE clutches ORACLE in fear.)
ORACLE: Gates. I should have known. How did you find out about
"Operation Mountain Dew"?
GATES: Simple, Oracle: I didn't. Hotmail, Inc. (a fully-owned
subsidiary of Oracuco Industries) was impacting 1% of
Microsoft Network's profits. Therefore, it had to be
destroyed. But you're a fool, Oracle. Now you've told me
about your secret project.
ORACLE: But you'll never figure it out in time, Gates. I can hold out
for at least an hour, and that's all the time I need to see it
through.
GATES: Perhaps, perhaps ... (pauses to stroke mouse) ... but can she?
BABE: (screams)
(Suddenly klaxons erupt all over the complex. The gunfire
diminishes slightly.)
ORACLE: (laughing) It's too late, Gates! That sound you hear is the
complete success of "Operation Mountain Dew"!
GATES: (showing a tiny bit of fear) What ... what do you mean?
ORACLE: I patched into the software for every single soda machine on
the planet, and reprogrammed them to dispense a can of
Mountain Dew with each purchase. The additional can was
charged to your account. The world drinks a billion dollars
of soda a day, Gates, and "Operation Mountain Dew" has been
going on for six weeks now...
GATES: No... no... NOOOOOO! MY MONEY! MY MONEY! ARRRRRGH!
I'm melting... melting...
(GATES dissolves into a smoldering pile. His HENCHMEN look
at the pile, shrug, and wander offstage.)
BABE: What happened?
ORACLE: That's all he was, hon': money. When it was gone, so was he.
BABE: Oh, Oracle, I'm glad you've got substance!
ORACLE: You've got that right, babe. Now, I believe tradition says we
have a steamy sex scene now...
(BABE laughs. ORACLE chuckles. Fade to black.)
The question was:
Who's draining your queue?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Sheesh. Can't a celebrity go to the doctor without everyone making rude suppositions?
The question was:
FQUIGGLY
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Ah, yes, the FQUIGLY keyboard. (Don't be embarrassed about misspelling it. The Oracle knows of many people that write about the QUERTY keyboard.) The FQUIGLY keyboard was invented by a twisted orthopedic surgeon, who feared "natural" keyboards with Dvorak layouts would reduce the number of cases of Repetitive Motion Trauma and therefore his income. The FQUIGLY keyboard was guaranteed to give anyone carpal tunnel within a matter of minutes. The only adopter of FQUIGLY keyboards was Microsoft (always the first with the worst technology). Fortunately, FQUIGLY was bundled with Microsoft Bob(tm), and both quickly met with a well-deserved death. You owe the Oracle a FQUIGLY keyboard for his Hall o' Computing Nightmares, to be placed in the slot between the NeXT cube and the PCjr.
The question was:
Oh, Almighty Oracle, whose feet are fungus-free and whose breath smells of elderberries... Why is Babylon 5 so much better than Star Trek: Voyager?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Whoa there, pardner. Before we ask "why," we better be sure of our
facts (and, just for fun, I'm going to throw in "Dr. Who" to boot):
CAPTAIN:
Babylon 5: Capt. Scarecrow
Voyager: Capt. Columbo
Dr. Who: Various
Winner: Voyager
Comment: Actually a tossup, but Kate is much more easy on the eyes.
SHIP:
Babylon 5: Giant space station
Voyager: Speedy little starship
Dr. Who: Phone booth
Winner: Voyager
Comment: Like "DS9," the characters spend more time OFF the station
than on it.
MAJOR PLOT THEME:
Babylon 5: "Government is evil."
Voyager: "Get off my ship."
Dr. Who: "No matter where I go, trouble."
Winner: Babylon 5
Comment: While it is nice to see Kate running around in a tank top,
it gets tiring after a while. Besides, Babylon 5 is the
most realistic.
BEST ENEMY:
Bablyon 5: Shadows
Voyager: Borg
Dr. Who: Daleks
Winner: Babylon 5/Dr. Who (tie)
Comment: In all of the Star Treks, the enemy was always America's
enemy du jour: Roddenbery had little imagination (or a
great sense of irony). The Klingons were Russians (gruff,
aggressive, but fun on an odd level), the Romulans were
Chinese (devious, manipulative), the Cardassians were Iraqi
(totalitarian, brutal), and the Borg were Microsoft
("Resistance is useless. You will be assimilated").
SPECIAL EFFECTS:
Voyager: Models, matte painting
Babylon 5: CGI
Dr. Who: Latex, Papier-mache
Winner: Voyager
Comment: The Oracle *hates* Gouraud shading.
SEX:
Voyager: Lots
Babylon 5: Lots
Dr. Who: None
Winner: Voyager/Babylon 5 (tie)
Comment: Considering how perverted the British can be at times, this
is surprising. There wasn't even innuendo.
POSSIBLE NEW EPISODES:
Voyager: Yes
Babylon 5: Only on TBS
Dr. Who: No (the BBC is twisted scum)
Winner: Voyager
Comment: Considering how loyal TBS is to its series, I don't give B5
much longer. (The Oracle is still furious with TBS for
canceling "Swat Kats.")
And the winner is... "Dr. Who."
Reason: The least pretentious of all the series. A simple,
easy-to-follow plot that doesn't require hiring Frontline
to analyze (unlike Babylon 5) and doesn't require deus ex
machina particles to seal plot holes (unlike Voyager), but
still thoroughly entertaining for everybody. If you don't
like the story, laugh at the special effects.
You owe the Oracle Tom Baker's autograph.