(Question-12 Jan 1997)
The question was:
> I just sent you a note with "Don't Ask Me" as a subject > and I STILL got a question. Don't you even read your > mail?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } } > I'm writing this to see if you even read your mail. } > Note the subject "Don't Ask Me" above. DON'T give } > me a question.
(Question-18 Mar 1997)
The question was:
> After almost a year of campaining and complaining, I must admit defeat > in trying to make your old name stick. So I've decided to write a > song about it: > > The Internet was the Usenet Oracle > Now it's the Internet, not the Usenet Oracle > Been a long time gone, the Usenet Oracle > Now it's Woodchuck Delight on a moonlight night > Every answer from the Usenet Oracle > comes from the Internet, not the Usenet Oracle > So if you've sent some mail to the Usenet Oracle > It'll be coming from the Internet > Even the old Internet > was once the Arpanet > Why they changed it I can't say > NSF just liked it better that way > So ask me, tell me, the Usenet Oracle > No, you can't go ask the Usenet Oracle > Been a long time gone, the Usenet Oracle > Why did the Usenet Oracle get the works? > That's nobody's business but those jerks > In--ter--net > > What do you think?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Supplicant man, Supplicant man } Doing the things a supplicant can } What's he like? It's not important } Supplicant man } } Is he a troll, or is he a hack? } When he's online does he get net? } Or does the net get him instead? } Nobody knows, Supplicant man } } Political man, Political man } Political man hates Supplicant man } They have a fight, Political wins } Political man } } Oracle man, Oracle man } Size of the entire universe man } Usually kind to supplicant man } Oracle man } } He's got a wand with a Usenet hand } Internet hand and a zot-zot hand } When they meet it's a scary land } Powerful man, Oracle man
(Answer-12 May 1997)
The question was:
> Oh strong looking Oracle, he whose nostrils I am unworthy to gaze into > and whose hair I am unworthy to pick through for fleas, whose thighs > are stronger than a legion of warriors, and whose taller than a statue > please answer my question. > Why exactly do all Oracles require people to grovel? > > --------------------------------------------------------- > Get Your *Web-Based* Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com > ---------------------------------------------------------
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN?" } } (a play in one act) } } SCENE: HOTMAIL, INC., a fully-owned subsidiary of ORACUCO INDUSTRIES. } JOHN, the foreman, is with JACK, a minor executive. VARIOUS } WORKERS hustle back-and-forth. Suddenly, a crisis occurs (but } then again, that's the nature of crises). } } JOHN: Dammit, we're losing power! } } JACK: What? Again? How do they expect us to keep these } Sparcservers on line without electricity? How are we to offer } free e-mail if we have to pay for electricity?!? } } WORKER: Central office on the line, sir! They want to know what's } with the slow-down. } } JOHN: Can't those jerks tell? Our Egion generator's down to 30% power... } } JACK: What did it? A malicious rumor? A gaffe on the Great One's } part? Kinzler threatening to change the name again to the } Microsoft Network Oracle? } } JOHN: No, looks like attrition from lack of grovels. } } JACK: Dammit, won't those fools ever learn? The Oracle's ego } supplies power for systems around the world! Our entire setup } here will fail! People will have to start PAYING for e-mail } services! } } VARIOUS WORKERS: (Shocked gasps) } } JOHN: (panicking) You, and you! Go tell him how white--no, } bright!--his toga is. You, go tell him that you'd be unworthy } to floss with his nasal hair! Do it, do it, do it! } } JACK: (as lights fade) I just hope we're not too late... } } FIN
(Answer-12 May 1997)
The question was:
> Oh aptly named oracle, who knows all and shares it too... > > Now that Dennis Rodman's going to change his name to Orgasm, will people > have to stop calling you, "Big O"?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} No, but ever since I changed my name, a bunch of wise-asses have been } calling me "the supernatural entity formerly known as the Usenet } Oracle." } } You owe the Oracle some respect.
(Answer-18 Jun 1997)
The question was:
> Why the Gehenna am I getting duplicates of the same question over and > over?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} From the Wall Street Journal, May 27: } } ORACUCO INDUSTRIES AND CYBER PROMOTIONS } ANNOUNCE MERGER } } BLOOMINGTON, INDIANA -- Dismayed by the quality of this quarter's } subcontracted questions, Oracuco Industries has initiated a merger } with another high-tech company, Cyber Promotions. } } Cyber Promotions uses an advanced technology called e-mail to } advertise on the International Network of computers, or "Inter-net." } Their technology allows them to reach millions of people for only a } few dollars. } } Oracuco Industries is responsible for 83% of the wisdom on the } Inter-net, which it provides to its end-users through a patented } question-and-answer format. Those not directly involved with this } process can also receive the distilled wisdom through newsletters } called "Oracularities" and "Best of's." } } "We're very excited here," said Oracuco CEO Steve Kinzler. "Our } software was designed on a one-in, one-out model. With the } integration of Cyber Promotions' "spamming" technologies, we'll be } able to disseminate questions to large numbers of people, improving } the odds of getting an answer that not only makes sense, but is funny } as well." } } Added Cyber Promotions' Sanford "Spam King" Wallace, "This is great } for both companies! Oracuco will get a much-needed boost in volume, } and the endorsement of the Oracle will disperse some of the negative } publicity Cyber Promotions has been getting." } } "We've received very few complaints so far," said Lisa, the Oracuco } Press Representative. "We have been testing the spamification } software in our system for a week, and have found few interface } problems. I'd say it's a go." } } The Chairman of Oracuco Industries, the Usenet Oracle, was } unavailable for comment. Rumor has it that he is displeased with the } merger, and may be planning on using his <ZOT!> gun, a powerful weapon } designed to atomize his enemies. } } Also questionable is the numerous legal problems, both criminal and } civil, which haunt Wallace. Various Inter-net factions have joined } forces in a lawsuit against Wallace, claiming his bulk e-mailings are } in violation of the same law that prohibits unsolicited fax messages. } } Upon news of the proposed merger, Oracuco Industries went up 3/4, } Cyber Promotions down 2.
(Answer-28 Jul 1997)
The question was:
> What are the features of Oracle 8 ? > Whart are the fearutes of Forms 5 ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Spell checking?
(Answer-30 Jul 1997)
The question was:
> But I didn't order any pizza!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Doesn't matter. I knocked, you asked "Who's there?" and I answered. } } As part of my contract with humanity, you owe me any payment I demand } for answering your question. Just because I am working a second job } as a Domino's delivery guy so I can pay off Lisa's VISA bill this } month does *not* mean I am exempt from my duties and privileges as an } Oracle... } } You owe the Oracle $15.75, plus a tip would be appreciated. } (Also an explanation of how anyone could rack up a $553 tab at any } place called Spatula World would be a big help. That boggles even my } omniscience...)
(Answer-19 Oct 1997)
The question was:
> Oh great all-knowing, all-seeing Oracle, who's toes I am unworthy to > clean by licking, > > Why does my campus pop machine give me extra Mountain Dews? I mean, the > machine even said it was out of Mountain Dew, so I got a Dr Pepper, and > it still gave me a Dr Pepper and a Mountain Dew. To the best of my > knowledge, it only does this for me. > > ______________________________________________________ > Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "NO TIME FOR LOVE" } } (a superspy movie in one act) } } SCENE: HOTMAIL, INC., a fully-owned subsidiary of ORACUCO INDUSTRIES. } Chaos and confusion reigns. Computers are smashed, showering } the floor and walls with electric sparks. A thin haze of } smoke fills the air. The firing of machine guns can be heard } in the distance, along with the agonized screams of wounded } men. } } (Enter THE ORACLE, leading A BABE by the hand.) } } ORACLE: I've got to get you out of here, then go back and activate the } self destruct mechanism for this complex. If I'm right, it's } the only way "Operation Mountain Dew" will be a guaranteed } success. } } BABE: Oh, Oracle, you're so brave! } } VOICE: (offstage) ... and so stupid! } } (A figure emerges from the haze. It is WILLIAM GATES, } villain. He is cradling an oversized white mouse, one of } those annoying Microsoft mice that only righties can use. } BABE clutches ORACLE in fear.) } } ORACLE: Gates. I should have known. How did you find out about } "Operation Mountain Dew"? } } GATES: Simple, Oracle: I didn't. Hotmail, Inc. (a fully-owned } subsidiary of Oracuco Industries) was impacting 1% of } Microsoft Network's profits. Therefore, it had to be } destroyed. But you're a fool, Oracle. Now you've told me } about your secret project. } } ORACLE: But you'll never figure it out in time, Gates. I can hold out } for at least an hour, and that's all the time I need to see it } through. } } GATES: Perhaps, perhaps ... (pauses to stroke mouse) ... but can she? } } BABE: (screams) } } (Suddenly klaxons erupt all over the complex. The gunfire } diminishes slightly.) } } ORACLE: (laughing) It's too late, Gates! That sound you hear is the } complete success of "Operation Mountain Dew"! } } GATES: (showing a tiny bit of fear) What ... what do you mean? } } ORACLE: I patched into the software for every single soda machine on } the planet, and reprogrammed them to dispense a can of } Mountain Dew with each purchase. The additional can was } charged to your account. The world drinks a billion dollars } of soda a day, Gates, and "Operation Mountain Dew" has been } going on for six weeks now... } } GATES: No... no... NOOOOOO! MY MONEY! MY MONEY! ARRRRRGH! } I'm melting... melting... } } (GATES dissolves into a smoldering pile. His HENCHMEN look } at the pile, shrug, and wander offstage.) } } BABE: What happened? } } ORACLE: That's all he was, hon': money. When it was gone, so was he. } } BABE: Oh, Oracle, I'm glad you've got substance! } } ORACLE: You've got that right, babe. Now, I believe tradition says we } have a steamy sex scene now... } } (BABE laughs. ORACLE chuckles. Fade to black.)
(Answer-24 Oct 1997)
The question was:
> Who's draining your queue?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Sheesh. Can't a celebrity go to the doctor without everyone making rude } suppositions?
(Answer-26 Oct 1997)
The question was:
> FQUIGGLY
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ah, yes, the FQUIGLY keyboard. (Don't be embarrassed about } misspelling it. The Oracle knows of many people that write about the } QUERTY keyboard.) } } The FQUIGLY keyboard was invented by a twisted orthopedic surgeon, who } feared "natural" keyboards with Dvorak layouts would reduce the number } of cases of Repetitive Motion Trauma and therefore his income. The } FQUIGLY keyboard was guaranteed to give anyone carpal tunnel within a } matter of minutes. } } The only adopter of FQUIGLY keyboards was Microsoft (always the first } with the worst technology). Fortunately, FQUIGLY was bundled with } Microsoft Bob(tm), and both quickly met with a well-deserved death. } } You owe the Oracle a FQUIGLY keyboard for his Hall o' Computing } Nightmares, to be placed in the slot between the NeXT cube and the } PCjr.