The question was:
O, wise oracle, may you have a tight-assed summer: is michael jackson related to michael j. fox?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Michael Jackson and Michael J. Fox are indeed related--in fact, they are the same person. The story behind this apparent paradox is interesting. Despondent over the breakup with Lisa Marie and the rumors of pederasty, Michael Jackson went into seclusion. There his rare skin disease finished its course and he became completely white. Seeing the possibility of escaping his torments, he underwent massive facial surgery. After he recovered, he completely discarded his life, keeping only his name. But the show biz bug still had him, so he enrolled in an acting course. There he met Jane Fox, fell in love, and married her. Being a liberated man, he changed his name to Michael Jackson-Fox. One day, on the set of the movie "Star Trek: Voyager III," an accident involving a banana and a special effect that used a nuclear accelerator threw him back in time. Trapped in time, his only chance of survival was to fall back on the only skill he had: entertaining. So he tried out for the part of a precocious son on a new family sit-com and the rest is, as they say, history. You owe the Oracle a banana and a nuclear accelerator.
The question was:
I was watching an old episode of "Doctor Who" where the Doctor first met up with the Daleks. There was one scene where he was examining a Geiger counter and remarking that the radiation levels were dangerously high. As to prove his point, a closeup of the machine showed that the pointer was indeed in the area clearly marked "DANGER." That's "DANGER," in ENGLISH. Why would Daleks label their instrumentation in English? I'm afraid I won't be able to sleep until I know.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
That's very easy to understand supplicant. There are many words that are the same in all languages. Here are a few examples: Hallelujah: Pronounced and spelled the same way in all languages. Oh, Shit!: Pronounced and spelled the same way in all languages. MotherFucker: Pronounced and spelled the same way in all languages. Damn it to Hell!: Pronounced and spelled the same way in all languages. Danger: Pronounced and spelled the same way in all languages. As you can see, it's easy to understand this. Now go get some sleep! You owe the Oracle a glass of Mylanta and 3 chocolate chip cookies. What? You don't dunk your cookies in Mylanta?
The question was:
Oh wise and chocolatefull Oracle, whose CD never skips, whose
Windows[TM] never GPFs, yea, who never runs low on virtual memory
even when running twenty apps (or a FemtoSloth one), saviour of
w**dch*cks and old Strowger racks, derober of Offler's monks and
gracious disposer of free AOL disks, he{ar,re} my plea...
In the last week or so, there's been a marked increase in the number
of complaints from people that their mugs have disappeared from the
kitchen; So far none of mine have succumbed to the secretive
mugnapper, but it can't last forever. Where are they going and how
can we ensure the safety of our mugs?
j:N2UdGsvC/.i2A:::::
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
"I've got it!" I cried. "What?" shouted my faithful companion, Lisa, from the kitchen. "The message from my operative." "How can you tell?" she asked, glancing at the screen from over my shoulder. "This comment about GPF and Windows. Everybody *knows* I run UNIX." I dragged the mail message to the printer icon and watched the LaserWriter spring to life. Before the printer fully ejected the page I had it in my hand and was running to the study. "Quick! To the OracleCave(tm)!" My charming companion was already there, having opened the bust of Brian Kernighan and twisting the dial that moved the bookshelf away from the OraclePoles(tm). A brief scene-bumper later, we were deep in the bowels of the earth. "I've been buying up all the old Thinking Machines MPP systems for just this day," I explained. "It'll crack that password faster than you could say knife." I plopped down in front of the Sparc which I used as a front-end processor. "Quick, read me the entry." "j:N2UdGsvC/.i2A:::::" she lilted. "Oh, Orrie, do you think...?" "We'll know in a second..." *PING* the workstation said. "Well, whatdayaknow. Should have been able to guess THAT," I mumbled. "What now?" "We 'telnet' in." > telnet bg.microsoft.com > > OSF/1 login: _ "Interesting." "Indeed," said my companion. "But don't think too long. You KNOW they'll trace us ASAP." My pragmatic package of pulchritude had a point. > OSF/1 login: jj > Password: StoleMac495 Something was wrong with the terminal. "Oh, half-duplex," I muttered, changing the setting. > Welcome, user j! > > % _ "I'm getting all tingly..." "Save it for later." > % online_banking > > 1) Inquire > 2) Transfer > 3) Block payment/check > > 2 > > FROM which account? [234-38732-12/credit]: > > 234-38732-12/savings has $16,322,781,683.84 available. > TO which account? [234-38732-12/checking]: 42362-62351@4452/checking > > ATTENTION: You are transferring to the account of > ORACLE, T USENET > > Do you really want to do this? [no]: y > Please type 'yes' or 'no' > Do you really want to do this? [no]: yes > > Which amount? _ "How much?" "Go for it." > Which amount? 16000000000 > > $16,000,000,000.00 transferred > FROM 234-38732-12/credit > TO 42362-62351@4452/checking > Confirm? [no]: yes > Second confirmation? [no]: yes > Last chance. Abort transaction? [yes]: no > Working..........................transaction completed. "Let's go," I smiled after logging out. "Where?" "I was thinking Rio..." You owe the Oracle all future correspondence to be addressed to 'oracle@fugitive.rio.br' (Thanks for the password! I'll send your part to you in Switzerland!).
The question was:
Have any of your revelations resulted in great tragedy, such as people marrying their own children, killing their fathers, &c?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Well, yes, in a way, but never tragically. For example, a guy was asking me what to do now that he has found the only one that he truly loves more than anyone else. I said that he should plan a big marriage, make sure she gets a beautiful dress and to tell all of his friends so she knows how much he cares about her. He followed my advice exactly, and now the whole world knows how much Dennis Rodman loves himself. I wouldn't call this a tragedy. You owe the Oracle the definition of "the Rodmanipus complex".
The question was:
Gnomonic Oracle, It's this time of the year again. Who invented "Daylight Saving Time", and who was (s)he kidding?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Daylight Saving Time was actually a (rare) far-sighted creation of the hard-working people at the Department of Energy. Armed with the knowledge that US energy reserves were running out at a time when demand was rising at an incredible rate, the Department of Energy set forth a policy to insure America's energy needs would be taken care of in the twenty-first century. Solar power was the wave of the future. Cheap, plentiful, with no unpleasant waste products, it was the answer to the impending energy crisis. But it was inefficient--at this time. So the Department of Energy created the concept of Daylight Saving Time, selecting a period of the year (winter) when daylight wasn't really required. This allowed a large stockpile of daylight to be accumulated, so that when solar power became a reality, the US would have a large reserve to use. Isn't a minor inconvenience of having to set your clocks back and forth twice a year offset by a future of yearly power bills in the pennies instead of the hundreds? You bet, and you have the Department of Energy to thank for it.
The question was:
Oh great oracle in your almightly wisdom, your all knowing-ness, I very humbly lower my worthlessness to the cold hard ground to show you my homage. You are all knowing and wish that you would answer my lowly little question. Why do the malls put Chrismas decorations up before Thanksgiving? Oh greatness, I wish you to answer my humble question. I thank you though the generations of my family. I burn special insents to help speed your answer to me.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Malls put up Holiday decorations early in a two-punch attack on the Christian values of this nation. Shopping malls have long been known to be strongholds of Secular Humanism, and their attack on the most Holy of Holidays only strengthens this notion. By ignoring Thanksgiving (which celebrates the religious roots of this nation) and commercializing Christmas, they move us ever so closer to their ultimate goal of a Godless state. That is why shopping malls put up Holiday decorations so early. Encouraging early shopping to avoid the rush has nothing to do with it. (This Oracularity was brought to you by the Pat Robertson School of Antediluvian Thinking.)
The question was:
Where have all the funny answers gone?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Where have all the funny answers gone? Long time passing. Where have all the funny answers gone? Long time ago. Where have all the funny answers gone? Gone to oracularities, everyone. When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn?
The question was:
Where have all the funny answers gong?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Where have all the funny answers gong? Long time passing. Where have all the funny answers gong? Long time ago. Where have all the funny answers gong? Gone to Chuck Barris, everyone. When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn?
The question was:
Oh Oracle, whose knowledge is vaster than the oceans, Recently I bought a book titled "The Big Rainy-Day Fun Book of Tibetan Proverbs." Some of these wise sayings were beyond my comprehension. Please, enlighten your lowly supplicant with explanations of these proverbs: "Delicious flavour for others, fine clothes for oneself." "Masticate a turnip rather than remain silent." "If you cannot restrain your thumb-sized heart, it will rise up against you as a she-demon."
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> "Delicious flavour for others, fine clothes for oneself." TRANSLATION: "If you're stylin', the whole world's stylin' with you." > "Masticate a turnip rather than remain silent." TRANSLATION: "It's OK to chew with your mouth open if you can't help it." > "If you cannot restrain your thumb-sized heart, it will rise up > against you as a she-demon." Um, best if you do the translation here. HINT: "Thumb-sized heart" refers to a throbbing organ farther down. You owe the Oracle one of those cool orange monk robes. I wanna be stylin'.
The question was:
I just sent you a note with "Don't Ask Me" as a subject and I STILL got a question. Don't you even read your mail?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question! > I'm writing this to see if you even read your mail. > Note the subject "Don't Ask Me" above. DON'T give > me a question.