(Answer-01 Jul 1996)
The question was:
> Oh very powerful and slightly weird Oracle, something strange happened > to me recently. > > I apparently annoyed one of your Incarnations, and she sent me the > following impressive display of pyrotechnics: > > } > } ZZZZZZZZZZ OOOO TTTTTTTTTT > } Z O O T > } Z O O T > } Z O O T > } Z O O T > } ZZZZZZZZZZ OOOO T > } > > Although there are some superficial structural similarities, this > does not actually appear to be an authentic ZOT. What manner of > special effect does it designate? How does it compare with a ZOT > in potency? And how would you pronounce it? > > Please do not send me an authentic ZOT for comparison. I've > received several already, and have no wish to repeat the experience.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} That is a Microsoft ZOF(tm). As you noticed, it has remarkable similarity } to an Oracular <ZOT!>(tm), but when you get right down to it, it's nothing } but a cheap, ineffective copy. } } You owe the Oracle a successful lawsuit against Microsoft.
(Answer-10 Jul 1996)
The question was:
> O, wise oracle, may you have a tight-assed summer: > > is michael jackson related to michael j. fox?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Michael Jackson and Michael J. Fox are indeed related--in fact, they } are the same person. The story behind this apparent paradox is } interesting. } } Despondent over the breakup with Lisa Marie and the rumors of } pederasty, Michael Jackson went into seclusion. There his rare skin } disease finished its course and he became completely white. Seeing } the possibility of escaping his torments, he underwent massive } facial surgery. } } After he recovered, he completely discarded his life, keeping only } his name. But the show biz bug still had him, so he enrolled in an } acting course. There he met Jane Fox, fell in love, and married } her. Being a liberated man, he changed his name to Michael } Jackson-Fox. } } One day, on the set of the movie "Star Trek: Voyager III," an } accident involving a banana and a special effect that used a nuclear } accelerator threw him back in time. } } Trapped in time, his only chance of survival was to fall back on the } only skill he had: entertaining. So he tried out for the part of a } precocious son on a new family sit-com and the rest is, as they say, } history. } } You owe the Oracle a banana and a nuclear accelerator.
(Question-15 Jul 1996)
The question was:
> I was watching an old episode of "Doctor Who" where the Doctor first met > up with the Daleks. There was one scene where he was examining a Geiger > counter and remarking that the radiation levels were dangerously high. > As to prove his point, a closeup of the machine showed that the pointer > was indeed in the area clearly marked "DANGER." That's "DANGER," in > ENGLISH. > > Why would Daleks label their instrumentation in English? I'm afraid > I won't be able to sleep until I know.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} That's very easy to understand supplicant. There are many words that are } the same in all languages. Here are a few examples: } } Hallelujah: Pronounced and spelled the same way in all languages. } Oh, Shit!: Pronounced and spelled the same way in all languages. } MotherFucker: Pronounced and spelled the same way in all languages. } Damn it to Hell!: Pronounced and spelled the same way in all languages. } Danger: Pronounced and spelled the same way in all languages. } } As you can see, it's easy to understand this. Now go get some sleep! } } You owe the Oracle a glass of Mylanta and 3 chocolate chip cookies. What? } You don't dunk your cookies in Mylanta?
(Answer-28 Jul 1996)
The question was:
> Oh wise and chocolatefull Oracle, whose CD never skips, whose
> Windows[TM] never GPFs, yea, who never runs low on virtual memory
> even when running twenty apps (or a FemtoSloth one), saviour of
> w**dch*cks and old Strowger racks, derober of Offler's monks and
> gracious disposer of free AOL disks, he{ar,re} my plea...
>
> In the last week or so, there's been a marked increase in the number
> of complaints from people that their mugs have disappeared from the
> kitchen; So far none of mine have succumbed to the secretive
> mugnapper, but it can't last forever. Where are they going and how
> can we ensure the safety of our mugs?
>
> j:N2UdGsvC/.i2A:::::
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "I've got it!" I cried. } } "What?" shouted my faithful companion, Lisa, from the kitchen. } } "The message from my operative." } } "How can you tell?" she asked, glancing at the screen from over my } shoulder. } } "This comment about GPF and Windows. Everybody *knows* I run UNIX." } } I dragged the mail message to the printer icon and watched the LaserWriter } spring to life. Before the printer fully ejected the page I had it in } my hand and was running to the study. } } "Quick! To the OracleCave(tm)!" } } My charming companion was already there, having opened the bust of } Brian Kernighan and twisting the dial that moved the bookshelf away } from the OraclePoles(tm). } } A brief scene-bumper later, we were deep in the bowels of the earth. } } "I've been buying up all the old Thinking Machines MPP systems for } just this day," I explained. "It'll crack that password faster than } you could say knife." } } I plopped down in front of the Sparc which I used as a front-end } processor. "Quick, read me the entry." } } "j:N2UdGsvC/.i2A:::::" she lilted. "Oh, Orrie, do you think...?" } } "We'll know in a second..." } } *PING* the workstation said. } } "Well, whatdayaknow. Should have been able to guess THAT," I mumbled. } } "What now?" } } "We 'telnet' in." } } > telnet bg.microsoft.com } > } > OSF/1 login: _ } } "Interesting." } } "Indeed," said my companion. "But don't think too long. You KNOW they'll } trace us ASAP." } } My pragmatic package of pulchritude had a point. } } > OSF/1 login: jj } > Password: StoleMac495 } } Something was wrong with the terminal. "Oh, half-duplex," I muttered, } changing the setting. } } > Welcome, user j! } > } > % _ } } "I'm getting all tingly..." } } "Save it for later." } } > % online_banking } > } > 1) Inquire } > 2) Transfer } > 3) Block payment/check } > } > 2 } > } > FROM which account? [234-38732-12/credit]: } > } > 234-38732-12/savings has $16,322,781,683.84 available. } > TO which account? [234-38732-12/checking]: 42362-62351@4452/checking } > } > ATTENTION: You are transferring to the account of } > ORACLE, T USENET } > } > Do you really want to do this? [no]: y } > Please type 'yes' or 'no' } > Do you really want to do this? [no]: yes } > } > Which amount? _ } } "How much?" } } "Go for it." } } > Which amount? 16000000000 } > } > $16,000,000,000.00 transferred } > FROM 234-38732-12/credit } > TO 42362-62351@4452/checking } > Confirm? [no]: yes } > Second confirmation? [no]: yes } > Last chance. Abort transaction? [yes]: no } > Working..........................transaction completed. } } "Let's go," I smiled after logging out. } } "Where?" } } "I was thinking Rio..." } } You owe the Oracle all future correspondence to be addressed to } 'oracle@fugitive.rio.br' (Thanks for the password! I'll send your } part to you in Switzerland!).
(Question-22 Aug 1996)
The question was:
> Have any of your revelations resulted in great tragedy, such as people > marrying their own children, killing their fathers, &c?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, yes, in a way, but never tragically. For example, a guy was asking } me what to do now that he has found the only one that he truly loves more } than anyone else. I said that he should plan a big marriage, make sure } she gets a beautiful dress and to tell all of his friends so she knows how } much he cares about her. } } He followed my advice exactly, and now the whole world knows how much } Dennis Rodman loves himself. I wouldn't call this a tragedy. } } You owe the Oracle the definition of "the Rodmanipus complex".
(Answer-26 Oct 1996)
The question was:
> Gnomonic Oracle, > > It's this time of the year again. > > Who invented "Daylight Saving Time", and who was (s)he kidding?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Daylight Saving Time was actually a (rare) far-sighted creation of the } hard-working people at the Department of Energy. Armed with the } knowledge that US energy reserves were running out at a time when } demand was rising at an incredible rate, the Department of Energy set } forth a policy to insure America's energy needs would be taken care of } in the twenty-first century. } } Solar power was the wave of the future. Cheap, plentiful, with no } unpleasant waste products, it was the answer to the impending energy } crisis. But it was inefficient--at this time. So the Department of } Energy created the concept of Daylight Saving Time, selecting a period } of the year (winter) when daylight wasn't really required. This } allowed a large stockpile of daylight to be accumulated, so that when } solar power became a reality, the US would have a large reserve to } use. Isn't a minor inconvenience of having to set your clocks back } and forth twice a year offset by a future of yearly power bills in the } pennies instead of the hundreds? You bet, and you have the Department } of Energy to thank for it.
(Answer-13 Nov 1996)
The question was:
> Oh great oracle in your almightly wisdom, your all > knowing-ness, I very humbly lower my worthlessness to the cold > hard ground to show you my homage. You are all knowing and wish > that you would answer my lowly little question. > > Why do the malls put Chrismas decorations up before Thanksgiving? > > Oh greatness, I wish you to answer my humble question. I thank > you though the generations of my family. I burn special insents > to help speed your answer to me.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Malls put up Holiday decorations early in a two-punch attack on the } Christian values of this nation. Shopping malls have long been known } to be strongholds of Secular Humanism, and their attack on the most } Holy of Holidays only strengthens this notion. } } By ignoring Thanksgiving (which celebrates the religious roots of this } nation) and commercializing Christmas, they move us ever so closer to } their ultimate goal of a Godless state. That is why shopping malls } put up Holiday decorations so early. Encouraging early shopping to } avoid the rush has nothing to do with it. } } (This Oracularity was brought to you by the Pat Robertson School of } Antediluvian Thinking.)
(Answer-17 Nov 1996)
The question was:
> Where have all the funny answers gone?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Where have all the funny answers gone? } Long time passing. } Where have all the funny answers gone? } Long time ago. } Where have all the funny answers gone? } Gone to oracularities, everyone. } When will they ever learn? } When will they ever learn?
(Answer-17 Nov 1996)
The question was:
> Where have all the funny answers gong?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Where have all the funny answers gong? } Long time passing. } Where have all the funny answers gong? } Long time ago. } Where have all the funny answers gong? } Gone to Chuck Barris, everyone. } When will they ever learn? } When will they ever learn?
(Answer-17 Nov 1996)
The question was:
> Oh Oracle, whose knowledge is vaster than the oceans, > > Recently I bought a book titled "The Big Rainy-Day Fun > Book of Tibetan Proverbs." Some of these wise sayings were > beyond my comprehension. Please, enlighten your lowly supplicant > with explanations of these proverbs: > > "Delicious flavour for others, fine clothes for oneself." > > "Masticate a turnip rather than remain silent." > > "If you cannot restrain your thumb-sized heart, it will rise > up against you as a she-demon." >
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} > "Delicious flavour for others, fine clothes for oneself." } } TRANSLATION: "If you're stylin', the whole world's stylin' with } you." } } > "Masticate a turnip rather than remain silent." } } TRANSLATION: "It's OK to chew with your mouth open if you can't } help it." } } > "If you cannot restrain your thumb-sized heart, it will rise up } > against you as a she-demon." } } Um, best if you do the translation here. HINT: "Thumb-sized heart" } refers to a throbbing organ farther down. } } You owe the Oracle one of those cool orange monk robes. I wanna be } stylin'.