(Answer-15 Apr 1996)
The question was:
> How can I found address of mailing lists prefectly by E-MAIL, or other > sites?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Sorry, Senator. The emperor has forbidden the distribution of mailing } lists within the Roman empire, whether by this "E-MAIL" (whatever that is) } or by any other means. } } Ave Caesar! } } (All joking aside, one cool mailing list is oracle@cs.indiana.edu. Send a } message with the subject of "Help" and you'll soon understand.)
(Answer-17 Apr 1996)
The question was:
> O mighty oracle of wisdom!! > > I have a quick question... > > I attached a piece of toast (buttered side up) to the back of a cat. > I then dropped the cat off of a table. The cat is now rotating at > about 50 rpm 6 inches off the floor. I think I've discovered > perpetual motion, but I'm not sure how to keep the cat alive...what > should i do??
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} No, you have not discovered "true" perpetual motion. What you have } discovered is a principle akin to superconductive levitation. I } originally dubbed this "anti-gravity" in an Oracularity some time } back, but I did so only to simplify for the layman, and have been } getting flack from physicists ever since. } } Anyway, back to your problem. Air resistance will eventually slow } the cat down, and it will stabilize (but a gentle push will start it } rotating again). Thermodynamics will have its way, you know. The } system is in a metastable state anyway, since the cat will } eventually get hungry, eat the toast, and crash to the ground (feet } first). } } FUN FACT #367: Did you know, as long as a piece of buttered toast } is adhered to the cat, it is impossible to discover if the cat is } alive or dead? This queer phenomenon is known as Schroedinger's } "Cat/Toast" problem. } } You owe the Oracle a piece of toast.
(Answer-22 Apr 1996)
The question was:
> That is it woman?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Because of the lack of punctuation in your question, I must interpret it } in various ways: } } > That, is it woman? } } Obviously you have a problem discerning what is a woman. Here is a simple } algorithm: } } 1) Pick any two individuals at random. } 2) Count the number of negatively-curved surfaces } on each individual. } 3) If the number of negatively-curved surfaces are } equal, return to step (1). } 4) The individual with the greater number of } negatively-curved surfaces is the woman. } } > That is, it woman? } } Obviously a line yanked from the popular comic book, "It Woman (and her } sidekick Troglodyte Boy)." Since the Oracle is trying to avoid } non-sequitur questions like these, as well as Monty Python, Star Trek, } Douglas Adams, and other references to pop culture, he'll pass. } } > That is it, woman? } } Yes, without flowers, dinner, or a ring on this finger, that is as far } as you'll get. If you want a cheap floozy, you'll have to go out and } pay for one. } } Sheesh, some men. } } You owe the Oracle a natural language parser.
(Answer-28 Apr 1996)
The question was:
> where did you come from baby? and ooh won't you take me there?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Man, the answer lies in the song! Why are you asking me? Oh, and you } got the lyrics wrong, too. The correct lyrics are: } } Where do you come from? } Where do you go? } Whose baby are you? } I really wanna know. } Ooooh, Batgirl! } Batgirl! } } You owe the Oracle Yvonne Craig's autograph.
(Answer-28 Apr 1996)
The question was:
> Oh great and wise Oracle, please help me, I am in desperate need of > advice. You see, last night I recieved via UPS my brand-new > build-it-yourself television/entertainment-center stand and counter. > It is a neat thing that has a place for your tv and VCR and whatnot > and is pretty nice mahogany wood. However, as I opened up the box > and got out my tools, the task of assembling it grew more and more > daunting. I tried to put it together, but things kept going wrong. > I attached the stupid panel backing a little too high forcing me to > saw the second half a little smaller so that it would fit properly. > Then I did an uneven job so that the left leg wouldn't meet properly > with the bottom shelf and I had to nail that in instead of the > 'simple screw method' that was supposed to work. I was completely > missing the right-back-flange-gate -door-hinge, so I took one off my > wife's dresser. Anyway, the thing is a complete mess now, and my > wife is in the kitchen with the neighbor lady making fun of me for > being a typical inept man who is too proud to ask for help. Well, > now I'm asking for help (but don't tell my wife, please.) HELP!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} *POOF* } } The Oracle suddenly appears inside the supplicant's living room, wearing } only a pair of jeans and a massive tool belt. The sunlight gleams off } his tanned back as the muscles in his chest ripple with unleased power. } He adjusts the massive bulge in his jeans as he surveys the situation. } } The neighbor lady faints dead away. } } The Oracle strides over to the entertainment center. After raising a } disbelieving eye to the supplicant cowering in the corner, he } dismantles it and reassembles it in under five minutes. The completed } unit looks better than the one on the cover of the carton; in fact, } it looks better than the one in "Home Beautiful." } } The Oracle strides over to the supplicant's wife. After kissing her } hand, he says, "Call me... anytime," and disappears. The supplicant's } wife wipes the drool off her chin and goes to her husband, who is still } in the corner whimpering for his mommy... } } (MARRIED WOMEN, TAKE NOTE -- Have you ever wondered why your husband } refuses to allow others to do repairs that he is obviously incapable } of doing? The above scenario is what all married men believe WILL } happen if they call for help. Please understand this, have patience, } and call the repair stud when your husband is at work.)
(Answer-01 May 1996)
The question was:
> what would happen if I did not sleep for 256 hours?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You'd require an extra byte to count your sheep. } } You owe the Oracle 65,536 sheep.
(Answer-28 May 1996)
The question was:
> The spamity spam, oh spam, oh spam. > The spamity spam hath spammed the spam. > And the spam cries "oh spam", > And the spam is spammed. > > The spam hath been the victim of spam, > and the spamity spam hath no more spam. > If there is no spam, then what spam? > The spam of spam this cannot spam.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe } Attorneys at Law } 1 Litigation Lane } Los Angeles, CA 90613 } http://www.u-sue-em.com } } The Usenet Supplicant } 42 Infinite Loop } Marmot, CA 94031 } } Dear Sir: } } I represent a Mr. Monty Python. While I have not had the pleasure of } actually meeting Mr. Python, I have been retained by his talent agency } to handle his legal matters. } } In regard to your recent query (included above), I must inform you } that you have infringed upon my client's intellectual property rights, } namely "The Spam Sketch." My client has a prior copyright on a song } based upon the Armour meat product known by the trademark "Spam," and } I believe that there is not sufficient difference between your "Spam" } song and his for you to claim independent development. } } Therefore, I request you cease development of Spam-related songs until } you can prove that your songs were developed without reference to my } client's prior work. } } Sincerely, } I. Cheetum } } .cc Python, M. } .cc Oracle, U. } } IDC/rgm
(Answer-07 Jun 1996)
The question was:
> Some people have the rude and annoying habit of clipping their > fingernails in public, especially in classrooms or churches?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You cannot change a statement into a question by replacing a period with } a question mark. } } There are many options available to you if you want to pass a statement } off as a question. Two of the most popular are: } } The Legal Method -- This involves adding "are you not?" or "were you not?" } to the end of statements. In a courtroom, this serves two purposes: } 1) it shows the jury just how smart the lawyer is, and 2) it defines the } statement as true, even if the witness denies it. Thus, if the lawyer } hates the witness, he can say, "You are the murderer, are you not?" } and that witness is doomed. } } The Canadian Method -- This is characterized by the superfluous use of the } interjection "eh?" at the end of statements. The problem (or benefit) of } using this method is that the recipient of such a statement feels obligated } to reply but cannot because no question was really asked. "Welcome to } Canada, eh?" This is how Canadians amuse themselves with American tourists. } } You owe the Oracle a Canadian-to-English dictionary.
(Answer-24 Jun 1996)
The question was:
> Oh Oracle with a very long memory, > > I was watching a re-run of The Lawrence Welk Show > and was struck with a horrid fascination. People > actually watched that? and the outfits are just > too campy. Were they serious, or was it a put-on?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "Lawrence Welk" is truly a black mark in the annals of American } History, a dubious honor shared by such tragedies as the Jonestown } Mass-suicide and the recent Branch Davidian Massacre. } } Empowered by hallucinogenic gases released upon unsuspecting people } through innocent-looking bubbles, Lawrence Welk established a cult of } mindless followers. America trembled in fear as millions of drones } scurried through the streets, playing elevator music, wearing tacky } clothing, and voting Republican; all triggered by the seemingly } innocuous act of the placing of a finger in the mouth and making a } "popping" sound. This country owes its existence today to the timely } arrival of Disco and Heavy Metal, although recovering Welkians } (especially in Congress) decry such music. } } Weakened but not forgotten, the cult survives today thanks to their } clandestine control of local and public television stations. } } You owe the Oracle a hallucinogenic bubble machine.
(Question-27 Jun 1996)
The question was:
> Dear Oracle: > > In the discussing of human foibles, it is often said that a person has > "an ego the size of Cleveland, Ohio." > > Why is Cleveland, Ohio used as a unit of measuring the size of an ego? > And what exactly is meant by "size"; population, area, et cetera? > Does this refer to the total of all the egos of the populace, or does > it refer to some collective ego that is intrinsic to the city itself? > > Anxiously waiting your response, > An Armchair Psychologist
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Your mistaken assumption that Cleveland, Ohio actually denoted the } city of Cleveland in the state of Ohio is expected, even in a person } of your obvious intelligence. The reference is actually to a man by } the name of Ohio Cleveland. People referred to him last name first } because he thought that it would make him sound more debonair (a } concieted guy, let me tell you). } } In 1947, Mr. Cleveland's ego became so large that an official } investigation ensued by the International Institute of Behavioral } Studies into the average size of the human ego. An official unit of } measurement was agreed upon, the "Egon", & the average human ego was } painstakingly determined to be 10 deciEgons. After finally } measuring Mr. Cleveland's ego, it was determined to be approximately } 20 Egons. This measurement being well over 100 times the average } human ego, it was quickly determined that Ohio Cleveland officially } had the world's largest ego. The media showered Mr. Cleveland with } attention due to his incredible Egonic state, thus increasing his } ego to 22.5 Egons. Being that no one before or since has achieved } the stellar mark of 22.5 Egons, Mr. Cleveland to this day is cited } as a shining example of the supreme human ego. } } If you have any questions concerning this brief history lesson, } please inquire with the Oracle's happy servant at } Tellez@comm.vafb.af.mil Have a nice day!!!