(Answer-05 Nov 1994)
The question was:
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Supplicant: Morning. } } Oracle: Morning. } } Supplicant: Well, what can I ask? } } Oracle: Well, there's woodchucks and Lisa; woodchucks, UNIX } and Lisa; woodchucks and null; woodchucks, Lisa and } null; woodchucks, Lisa, UNIX and null; null, Lisa, } UNIX and null; null, woodchucks, null, null, Lisa and } null; null, UNIX, null, null, null, Lisa, null, } Kinzler and null; null, null, null, woodchucks and } null; (Vikings start singing in background) null, } null, null, null, null, null, zotting, null, null, } null and null. } } Vikings: Null, null, null, null, lovely null, lovely null. } } Oracle(cont): ...or a complex discussion of various ideological } beliefs in the nineteenth century and how they } influenced the development of modern mayonnaise in } North America, with meta-humor, grovel-bashing, a } lemur reference on top, and null. } } Supplicant 2: Have you got anything without null? } } Oracle: Well, there's null, woodchucks, UNIX and null. That's } not got much null in it. } } Supplicant 2: I don't want any null! } } Supplicant: Why can't she have woodchucks, Lisa, null and UNIX? } } Supplicant 2: That's got null in it. } } Supplicant: It hasn't got as much null in it as null, woodchucks, } UNIX and null, has it? } } Supplicant 2: (over vikings starting again) Could you do me } woodchucks, Lisa, null and UNIX without the null then? } } Oracle: Ech! } } Supplicant 2: What do you mean "Ech!"? I don't like null! } } Vikings: Lovely null, wonderful null.... } } Oracle: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Bloody vikings. You can't } have woodchucks, Lisa, null and UNIX without the null. } } Supplicant 2: I don't like null! } } Supplicant: Hush, dear. Don't cause a fuss. I'll have your } null. I love it. I'm having null, null, null, null, } null, null, null, zotting, null, null, null and null. } } Vikings: Lovely null, wonderful null... } } Oracle: Shut up! Zotting is declasse. } } Supplicant: Well, can I have her null instead of the zotting? } } Oracle: You mean null, null, null, null, null, null, null, } null, null, null, null, and null? } } Vikings: Lovely null, wonderful null... } } You owe the Oracle some spam and a good lawyer.
(Question-15 Nov 1994)
The question was:
> Will there ever be a worse Sci-Fi show than "SeaQuest DSV"?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} flip... } flip... } flip... } } ah.. } } I was just going through some old TV Guides and came across some really } bad SF shows that make DSV look like a million bucks. } } 1. Voyage to the Bottom of The SeaFood Basket- about a really fat } family ordering at Red Lobster in 2205 AD. } 2. The Time Tunnel-Bunnies- a cyborg postitute who also poses as a } toll booth. } 3. Land on the Giant Underpants- our fat family returns, and it's } laundry day. Yoiks! } 4. The Outer Speed Limits- about cops, speeders and particle beam } cannons. } 5. Gigantor-roni - about a giant-super robot made out of pasta. } 6. Lost in Parking Spaces- about little blue haired ladies who can't } back their sky cars out of the handicap spot on Pluto. } 7. Babble-on and on and on and on and on till 5- about a group of } yentas from Long Island who talk on their space phones all day } until 5 pm Moon Standard Time. } 8. Twime Twax- Elmer Fudd stars as a futuristic hunter who chases } Cyber-Bugs on the Net. } 9. anything else from Irwin Allen. } 10. ThunderBoids- about an elite team of boyz from Brooklyn if ya } know watta i mean. they use their really neat gadgets (built by } the Father *wink, wink*) to gather the insurance premiums from } store owners. } } you owe the oracle a new job for Roy Scheider.
(Answer-21 Nov 1994)
The question was:
> Please enlighten me, o great one.. > > Is Italian sausage made from real Italians?? What about Canadian bacon?? > What about French fries?? Help!! AGGGHH!! <retch> <spew> <yarf> >
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} These foods are named, not from their content, but from the aftereffects } of consumption. } } Italian sausage, after being eaten, makes you drive really fast and } recklessly on the road--in order to get home to your bathroom. Canadian } bacon makes you burp, burps that sound like "eh?" And French fries make } you want to stick your tongue down someone's throat... } } Message from julia@pbs.org... } > Shame, shame, Oracle! While Italian sausage and Canadian bacon are named } > after their nation of origin, the "French" in french fries refers to the } > way they are sliced, that is, french-cut fried potatoes. } } JULIA! Please! I'm the one answering the question. } } > Sorry. } } Apology accepted. } } > May I plug my most excellent book, "The Joy of French Cooking"? } } No. } } You owe the Oracle a twelve-course meal.
(Answer-29 Nov 1994)
The question was:
> O Wise Oracle, who knows more than a thousand university registrars: > > I'm in the process of registering for classes for next semester, > and three of the classes I wish to take are being lectured by TBA. > To make matters more complicated, TBA is often scheduled to be at > many lectures on varying subjects simultaneously. This person > must have knowledge and power beyond my comprension! He even has > a room named after him! How is he able to teach all of these classes > every semester?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ah, yes, my good "friend", TBA. Nobody knows his real name anymore, } so they just call him by his nickname, Tricky Beyond Acknowledgment. } I'm sure you've met him on campus. He's the guy whom you cannot figure } out why he's still on campus. He gets tons of money by "teaching" } a slew of classes, but in actuality, gets other professors or graduate } students to do the work. He also gets gobs of grant money, but doesn't } seem to do anything but start flame wars on comp.sys.*.advocacy. } } TBA. Stick with him. You'll go far.
(Answer-06 Dec 1994)
The question was:
> what about the humanity man.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Look! } Up in the sky! } It's a bird! } It's an ACLU member! } } Its... } } HUMANITY MAN! } } Humanity Man vs. the Government of Pakazula, Episode 8 } } <The scene opens with HUMANITY MAN--in his secret identity of MILTON } FREEMAN, field investigator for Amnesty International--relaxing in his } hotel room after a long day talking to peasants of the Central American } country of Pakazula. Suddenly, the SECRET POLICE burst in!> } } SECRET POLICE:You're under arrest! } MILTON: (indignantly) On what charge? } SECRET POLICE:Using the word 'happy' on a weekday. } MILTON: (outraged) WHAT?!? } SECRET POLICE:Too much use of THAT word might encourage hope in the } people. We can't afford that. } } <SECRET POLICE drag MILTON away to Police HQ, where MILTON comes } face-to-face with Pakazula's evil dictator, GENERAL JOSPITEL> } } MILTON: You can't do this to me! I have rights! } GENERAL: (sneering) Not in Pakazula. Only I have rights. } <MILTON sulks> } GENERAL: Cheer up! As the villain of this adventure, it is now } my duty to share my secret plans with you, and gloat } over how impotent you are to stop them. } <GENERAL presses button and a large section of the wall slides back, } exposing a large missile.> } MILTON: You're going to attack the United States, my } pacifistic, non-militant nation? Remember, we still } have a slew of defensive-only missiles. } GENERAL: My dear (wrinkles nose) *humanitarian*, don't be } silly. US defense is too strong, and what could one } missile do, especially when it's filled with... } PAMPHLETS! } MILTON: I don't follow you... } GENERAL: Each of these pamphlets says how terrible I am, how I } restrict freedom and decency, blah, blah. Typical } bleeding-heart liberal stuff. They'll cover the poor } section of the capital. } <GENERAL leans forward toward MILTON, eyes narrowed menacingly> } GENERAL: But each of these pamphlets is laced with US surplus } napalm... At least one will ignite eventually. The } fire will incinerate the poor neighborhood, and the } United States will be blamed for the disaster! } MILTON: You're mad, Jospitel! You'll never get away with it! } GENERAL: Once I'm rid of that scum, I'll set up a new Club Med } resort... But now I must leave you, unguarded, with } easy access to my doomsday weapon, while I go and do } something unspecified... } } Will Humanity Man stop the missile in a non-violent, } politically-correct way? Will he be able to stop General Jospitel's } plan for building another culturally-suppressive bourgeois playground? } Tune in next time for another exciting episode of ... } } HUMANITY MAN!
(Question-06 Dec 1994)
The question was:
> Why is there MS-Windows?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Once upon a time, } In a far away land, } Little Billy built a BASIC. } Everyone copied it } Because everyone loved it. } But Little Billy wasn't happy; } His BASIC cost big buck$; } And all his little friends ripped him off. } } Little Billy went walking one day } By Jef and Stevie's house. } Jef had left; Stevie was being mean. } Stevie had been stingy } With Uncle Alan's brand new toy. } Little Billy liked Stevie's toy. } Little Billy liked Stevie's toy a lot. } But Stevie wouldn't let Little Billy play. } } Now Little Billy soon became Big Billy. } Big Billy still wanted Stevie's toy. } But Stevie left town and gave Johnny his toy. } Johhny made sure it wasn't a toy anymore. } But Big Billy still wanted the toy. } Big Billy couldn't get the toy. } Johnny wouldn't give Big Billy the toy. } Big Billy thought of Little Billy's BASIC and had an idea... } } Big Billy made his own toy. } It wasn't as special a toy as Stevie's and Johnny's. } It was a bad toy. } But it looked like Stevie and Johnny's toy. } Johnny didn't like that much; his toy wasn't a toy anymore. } Johnny told Big Billy to stop making his toy. } It was a Bad Toy. } But Big Billy didn't stop. He was Big Billy. } } Johnny wasn't nice to his toy, } But he wasn't nice to Big Billy either. } He fought Big Billy. } Johnny left town in a few years. } Mikey fought Big Billy now. } Soon he got some of Big Billy's friends to fight Big Billy. } But Big Billy became Really Big Billy. } Mikey and his new friends were having problems. } } Now Jef and Stevie's toy belongs to Mikey and all his friends. } Really Big Billy turned into a Really Big Bully } Who made everybody use his Bad Toy, while Mikey and his friends } Try to get everybody to use Jef and Stevie's toy. } Really Big Billy may have problems soon, } But he's Really Big Billy. } He can do what he wants and the anti-bully-boys } Won't touch him. } } Mikey and his friends are trying hard. } Maybe they'll stop Really Big Billy with Jef and Stevie's toy } (not a toy anymore, of course); } Jef and Stevie's toy is bigger, faster, and smarter } And always knows what it is. } Really Big Billy's toy is sometimes even useless. } Even if Really Big Billy's toy gets better, } Really Big Billy's toy still can't count. } } You owe the Oracle a case of disk cases. This friggin' Win95 beta } just arrived via forklift... } } [note: } Billy = Bill Gates } Jef = Jef Raskin, original designer of the Mac } Stevie = Steve Jobs } Johnny = John Sculley } Mikey = Michael Spindler } Billy's ex-friends = IBM, WordPerfect/Novell, Borland, and anyone else } in on OpenDoc]
(Answer-06 Dec 1994)
The question was:
> Oh Oracle, whose lofty intelligence outsoars that of the... > > Oh, hell with it. Oracle, I'm pissed! I followed your advise about what > to do on a first date, and now I'm barracaded in a 10'x10' woodshed, with > a mob of angry fathers threatening to blow me up! (Fortunately, I'm never > without my trusty pocket computer.) When I get out of here, you can > expect a major lawsuit! But... I am willing to settle out of court. Let's > make it nice and simple. Simply tell me > > a) How to get out of here with my life intact, and > b) Start monthly payments of $10,000 in small, unmarked bills > > and I promise not to unleash my woodchuck robomailer. > > You have been warned, Oracle! Either follow my demands, or you will never > answer a non-woodchuck question again!!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Too late. I just answered the following question: } } A Supplicant requires an answer to this question! } } > Mighty Oracle, } > } > My daughter is in shock after going out on a date with this } > computer geek. I can't make out the details, but he attempted to } > do something with a drum of honey, a Niagra adjustable bed, and } > a cement mixer. } > } > Right now I--along with a dozen other fathers--have him cornered in } > a woodshed, but he's barricaded himself in there pretty well. What } > should we do? } } You don't want to know the answer. } } P.S. I said HAND mixer. HAND MIXER.
(Answer-11 Dec 1994)
The question was:
> The sickness... The nausea... > The pitiless pain > Have ceased with the fever > That maddened my brain > With the fever called "Finals Week" > That burned in my brain
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Oracle has a sure-fire cure for the Finals Blues. } } What you will need: } 1) a sense of humor, } 2) two #2 pencils, sawed through halfway down the shaft, } 3) two ketchup packets, available at any fast-food "restaurant", } 4) a large class (>100 students) which you will never attend, } in a discipline completely unrelated to your own. } } Go into the class, pick up a final exam, and sit near one of the exits. } Doodle on the exam for some time, then carefully tear or cut off the tops } of the packets. Hold a pencil and a packet in each hand, such that the } open end of the packet is pointing up (toward the thumb) and the eraser } is sticking out of the bottom of your fist. } } Now scream, "I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!" and put your fists against } your eyes, squeezing the packets so the ketchup dribbles down over your } face. Then bolt toward the exit before any of the graduate students can } catch you. } } One or more of the following will happen: } 1) Your stress will go down considerably. } 2) You'll make a lot of friends in that class. } 3) You'll get expelled. } } You owe the Oracle a Blue Book (with the answers written in lemon juice).
(Question-01 Feb 1995)
The question was:
> There are ants crawling into my laser printer! What would insects want > with a laser?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Isn't it obvious ? } } Ants are planning to take over the world. } } Being very inteligent creatures, they've solved all the problems in } Ronald Ray-gun's plans, and are converting your printer into a } star-wars type weapon of mass destruction. They've also print-napped } my dot-matrix-printer, and are using it to make a chain-gun type } thing. The only way to stop them is to hope they get a hold of } Windows, and an old Pentium chip, then, when they try to use them to } control the weapons, windows will take up so much memory and time, } that nothing else will be possible, and the pentium will aim the } weapons at the ants! } } You owe the oracle one of those bug squirter things you see in all the } cartoons.
(Question-04 Feb 1995)
The question was:
> Who keeps asking all these lame questions? I try and try and try to > ask you poignant, interesting questions but seem to be lost in a > crowd of morons. Please tell me, dear Oracle, so I may hunt down your > enemies and kill them painfully.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oh, anyone at a certain address in Indiana...be sure to do askme's, } though, and you won't have to kill them. Thanks for asking, though.