(Question-31 Jul 1994)
The question was:
> While doing routine computer maintenance today, I opened my mouse to clean > the ball and found the inside chamber to be filled with a white fiberous > material that just has to be Mouse Fungus. > > What can one do about Mouse Fungus? Are there any home remedies? (I'm > sort of embarrassed about it, you know.) > > signed, > Scared in Sunnyvale
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} No need to be embarrassed. Mouse Fungus, like syphilis, head lice, } dog breath, Country Music, and pin worms, can and will happen in the } best of families. Just go to your friendly pharmacy, and tell the } pharmacist in a loud voice, "Fred, I think I've got Mouse Fungus. Do } you have anything that can help?" } } Fred, being the friendly family pharmacist that you've seen so often } on TV, will step out from behind the counter in his white coat. In } his most professional pharmacist's voice he will reply, "You know, } Janet, I'm glad you came in today. These days, we have a treatment } for Mouse Fungus that's so safe and gentle on your mouse that you'll } want to use it every day." Fred removes a box from the shelf and } you will see a close-up of a small, discreet box marked } "Fung-Off(tm)" in Fred's hand. } } "Is it hard to use?" } } "Not at all!" Cut to brief shot of product being used to clean a } mouse. "Just take the patented mouse-wipe from its easy-open } container, wipe once, then replace the wipe in the container for } easy disposal." At the bottom of the screen the words appear: Use } only as directed. "It even breaks down in ordinary sunlight, so you } know that it's good for the environment. And it has no harsh } chemicals which can irritate your mouse." Fred hands the box to } Janet. } } "I'll try it!" } } Cut to another day in the pharmacy. Janet comes in through the door, } all smiles. } } "Fred, it worked! Not only is my mouse totally fungus-free, but it } gives me that all-day fresh feeling. I'm going to recommend Fung-Off } to all of my friends." } } "And don't forget, Janet, it's available in new lemon scent, too." } } Voice-over: Fung-Off. By the makers of Raitt-Away. } } You owe the Oracle $8.99 + tax. Consult your doctor or pharmacist.
(Question-03 Aug 1994)
The question was:
> Oracle, I need your assistance, and FAST! > > It started out as a (semi-)normal party--just me and a few friends > from college griping about how miserable our lives are now and > exaggerating about how goofy we were in college. > > One of my friends got tapped (tappers--how we have gotten *so* > power-user in our "old" age!) and suddenly remembered > that he was going to meet some of his old Physics pals at a bar. > Stupidly, I suggested that they come over here. Then, even more > stupidly, I went out to the local Circle-K to get some munchies. > > When I got back, I found that the computer scientists had dared the > physicists to build a high energy photon disintegrator out of parts > "borrowed" from my image cube player. (I normally wouldn't have > minded, but I just *bought* that player.) Then one of the > shit-for-brains programmers I *used* to call a friend decided to hook > it up to my ancient CrayBook for "one helluva light show." > > Of course, you can guess the rest. The drunken bastard screwed up the > programming and opened up an interdimensional portal. > > First through was a set of miners--they looked human, except their > brow ridges protruded like Neanderthals. They had been enslaved in > the cesium mines of their world and thought we were angels sent to > free them. We thought that was cool and were poised to exploit it > mercilessly until one of them said, "Aw, shit. They're just a bunch > of clowns with an interdimensional portal." > > This pissed off one of the programmers, and he tried to send the > miners back. Instead, he got a bunch of jackal-like creatures dressed > in what looked like waiter's uniforms--which they turned out to be. > The miners, meanwhile, had discovered we had alcohol and started to > imbibe it in great quantities. The waiters began milling around > aimlessly with their trays of hors d'oeuvres. Then the computer went > *blip* and a whole set of reptiles landed in the room. "Cool," one of > them said, "a catered party." (The reptiles, I later found out, were > computer programmers that had been trapped in a meeting with the > marketing department, and, as such, were in no hurry to return.) > > The landlord was getting mighty pissed at the noise and made no > attempt to be subtle. Some of the reptilian mercinaries that got > caught in the vortices from the last shift suggested killing him, but > their more intelligent counterparts suggested that the party simply > move elsewhere. This relieved me greatly, as I had just washed the > rug. > > Unfortunately, when they moved the party, they took my apartment with > them: namely, almost thirty years into the past! Now I was pissed. > Luckily I had installed the porta-reactor under the sink (blackouts > are so common nowadays, especially with all the eco-terrorists blowing > up the power plants). Still, being stuck out in the middle of Death > Valley before it was developed was not pleasant. Especially without > the terraforming towers to regulate the ambient temperature. > > More people (things, creatures, whatever) were arriving through the > portal every moment, and some of the miners suggested setting up a > "GATE tube" to bring in aliens from other planets. > > Last time I checked, a cat-like creature and a dwarf with eyes > disproportionate enough to his head to qualify being an anime > character were arguing the finer points of hyper-dimensional geometry > over gin-and-tonics in my bedroom, the physicists had joined forces > with the miners to bring "some *wicked* snacks" from Aldebaran Six, a > squid-like creature was eating my ex-boyfriend's tropical fish > straight out of the aquarium, and my living room would give Stephen > King--you know, the Bard--nightmares. > > Originally, I had asked you how I could return the party (and my > apartment!) to my own time period. But I sent a question to > 'oracle@uoracle.net' before I remembered that that domain did not > exist yet. > > But now I've been informed that some Old Gods have begun disrupting > the potential walls of the GATE tube and are planning on dropping by. > So, Oracle: > > What kind of drinks and munchies does Cthulhu like? And where's the > nearest Circle-K to my current location?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You know, foolish mortal, that the way to get rid of your } unwelcome guests is to throw a ripe watermelon through the } portal. You didn't know that? Look, let me explain: } } } Your portal is clearly hooked up to the planet xterm, in galaxy } 36b, universe 47, parallel dimension 63. If you had consulted the } handy guide to aliens- purchasable at any supermarket counter, you } would have realized that the planet is inhabited by tiny egg shaped } amoeboid beings called kumquatians. Had you read further, you would } have realized that the watermelon is the sign of the kumquatian's } "God". This religious fruit is used only once every 5 million } years, in the traditional ceremony of the eggplant. The high priest } of the planet, meets together with the people an proceeds to hit } them with the ceremonial rod- commonly called the shovel. The } watermelon is the symbol of authority, and only the highest } officials of the land may be hit on the head with it. By throwing } the watermelon through the inter-dimensional portal, you will brain } the high priest, who will summon the great god NI, who will pass } through the portal, and snatch any of his supplicants, frying them } instantly with his freezing fire. They will die, and a small } nuclear explosion will occur in your dwelling. You and your friends } will be slowly vaporized, and then the remaining deities will go } through the portal and eat your food... after all, we can't have } nasty little humans crowding out the neighbourhood..any more than } you would dine with a cockroach yeucchh! } } To get the munchies, simply use a divining rod with a pretzel on } top to discover where the finest dirt lies. Dig where the rod } points, and you will find mounds of taco chips.. leave these, and we } will come... (especially me, I love taco chips.) } } Cthulthu says to say hi, and that he would like one chocolate } covered squid, roasted to be medium rare- and garnished with one } blueberry flavored marshmallow.. Zeus prefers cheezies, and Athena } likes human hearts.. otherwise anything will do. } } } For my advice, you owe me 5 bags of taco chips, 60 chocolate } covered squids (I am in trouble with Zeus again) a watermelon, a } shovel, and a ripe kumquat!
(Question-04 Aug 1994)
The question was:
> CERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERT > CERT CERT > CERT THIS IS A SPECIAL CERT BULLETIN CERT > CERT CERT > CERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERT > > Attn: Usenet Oracle <root@earth.sol.cos> > Re: VIRUS Discovered > > A new virus has been discovered spreading rapidly through > CosmosNet. While the motive of the virus is believed to be benign, > some of its interactions are destructive. The virus has been > codenamed RELIGION, and the pathology is as follows: > > * Virus infects system innocently enough, maybe only through a > single process. (INFECTION) > > * Most processes are immune, but a few are infected. (SPREAD) > > * Virus reaches point where the majority (or a significant > plurality) of the processes are infected. Forced conversion > or (in extreme cases) elimination of non-infected processes > begins. (ENTRENCHMENT) > > * Instability in virus code causes similar (but fundimentally > incompatible) versions of the virus to develop. (MUTATION) > > * Also, an older or significantly mutated version of the virus > may be reintroduced into the system. (REINFECTION) > > * Incompatabilities between the different viruses cause the > infected processes to try and terminate other processes. > (CONFLICT) > > Symptoms of an infected system are: > > * Significant drop in throughput. > > * Contradictory and confusing output. > > * A single process or a small set of processes suddenly gain a > high priority for no apparent reason. > > * Said processes also gain a significant amount of the system > resources, voluntarily sacrificed by other processes. > Starvation may result. > > * Processes refuse input that would force them to acknowledge > that they are infected. If forced, they may terminate > themselves. > > * Significant failure rate of processes (usually during the > CONFLICT phase). > > According to our best estimates, this virus has been spreading > only for the last five thousand years or so. > > The systems of Xiasphere, Tantalutia, Bgo'blorphi, and Kwee'twa > have been infected. In the case of Bgo'blorphi, a small number of the > processes managed to tap into the memory manager and flush the entire > machine. It is now unusable. > > CERT suggests you scan your memory and filesystem and report its > condition immediately. > > CERT EMERGENCY ACTION TEAM
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You do realize that I am the Oracle, and I know about this already. } } In fact, I have already created a counter-measure. I am spreading a } virus of my own through the USENET medium. At present, the infected } population consists mainly of processes which do not interact much with } more active processes (these are codenamed NERDS), but this population } should increase dramatically once I hook up with AOL, Delphi, and } CompuServe. } } After infecting enough NERDS, my virus will wipe out all the other } viruses. } } So you have nothing to worry about.
(Question-10 Aug 1994)
The question was:
> Oracle, > I'll make a spectacle > Inside a tabernacle > And say you are a miracle > You are the pinnacle > You fear no obstacle > You have no tentacles > Please tell me Oracle, > What else rhymes with "Oracle"?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oh worthy one, the answer is the little old man from Nantucket and, } until lately, Dr. Seuss. We did have a groovy poetic threesome, rhyming } together -- indeed, some said we were dispensing truly lyrical treacle } from our maniacal vehicle.
(Answer-11 Aug 1994)
The question was:
> Oh wise and outspoken Oracle. > > What does the "NT" in Windows NT stand for?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} (N)ice (T)ry } } You owe the Oracle Bill Gates's income since 1987.
(Question-16 Aug 1994)
The question was:
> Where in the hell is Carmen SanDiego?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Currently, Carmen Sandiego is hiding out in SimCity 2000, with her
} henchmen: Arthur Dent, Guybrush Threepwood, Ms. Pac-Man, a pawn from
} BattleChess, Dan Quayle, Mario and Sonic.
}
} Carmen says, "Okay, gang, they think they have us cornered. But we can
} still save our skins if we work this right. Let's get out of here."
}
} Immediately, Sonic bounces up and around the room, ricoshetting off
} of several walls, smashing the pawn flat ("Unhhh" says the pawn,
} just before it disappears) and flying out the door and down an
} alleyway.
}
} Arthur opens a satchel and pulls out an electronic thumb. He presses
} a button on the thumb. Which button? The green one, labelled
} "hitchhike". A swirl of lights forms around him as he is sucked
} aboard a passing Vogon cruiser. He is in... Dark.
}
} Guybrush walks to where a cable leads out a window and over to a
} neighboring island. Using a rubber chicken with a pulley in the
} middle, he slides down the cable to safety.
}
} Ms. Pac-Man adjusts the little pink bow on her yellow head and
} starts munching her way out the door, but she gets gobbled up by a
} ghost before she can get to a Power Pill.
}
} Dan Quayle picks up a large instruction book and looks through
} it. After five minutes, he types cautiously on the keyboard "FORMATT
} C:" and watches the screen for a response. After five more minutes
} of watching the screen and looking through the book, he tries
} pressing the enter key.
}
} Mario runs to the corner and jumps up to grab a hammer. After about
} ten seconds of smashing everything he can find (including Dan
} Quayle) the hammer fades away and Mario jumps out the window after
} Guybrush.
}
} Sherlock Holmes, Consulting Detective, walks in and captures Dan
} Quayle. "I'll appeal if I'm found guilty," says Dan. "IF I'm still
} in jail."
}
} In all of the confusion, Carmen has slipped away again.
}
} You owe the Oracle 100 new landscapes for OXYD.
(Answer-08 Sep 1994)
The question was:
> oh oracle, where is a good gif archive ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Cum one! Cum all! } } Git 'em while they last! } } They're Ho-Ho-Hot! } } It's the Oracle's } } ULTRA XXX PORNOGRAPHIC GIF SITE!! } } We've got breasts! Vaginas! Penises! Penises sticking into vaginas! } Men on women! Women on men! Men on men! Women on ponies! } } Guaranteed to make your arm EXHAUSTED! } } What do YOU have to do to get the address of this site?!? } } NOTHING!!! } } That's right! The Oracle, in his benevolence, is giving you the address } of this site WITHOUT CHARGE! } } And without further ado, THE ADDRESS: } } ~~~~@@~~~~~~~~~ **fzzzip** } } [ Sorry to interrupt, but that was not the Oracle. We've been having } problems with hackers who have been redirecting the mail for their } own nefarious purposes. The address they would have given you was } the home machine of Tipper Gore. -skkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk ] } } [ Sorry about that. My keyboard's sticky for some reason. -sk ] } } You owe Kinzler a Wet-Nap(tm).
(Answer-27 Oct 1994)
The question was:
> The Usenet Supplicant has no questions to ask.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, that's just dandy! Here I am, spending the entire evening } draining the Woodchuck Queue when I could have been doing something } INTERESTING, and when I'm done, I find out that there are no more } questions on the minds of the supplicants! } } Well, might as well start off with a new batch... } ^Z } Stopped } } > su } Password: } # rm -f /universe/planet/earth/human/* } # mkspecies -t human -w /universe/planet/earth & } [2] 3632 } # exit } > fg } } You owe the Oracle a question. Your species depends on it.
(Answer-29 Oct 1994)
The question was:
> Oh oracle who is brighter then all others combined, > > How many lightbulbs will it take to change the martians?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Let's see, going under the assumption that the Martians (please watch } your capitalization!) want to invade Earth in order to catch some rays, } we shall assume that the lightbulbs are needed to increase the amount } of light hitting Mars so that it will equal that of Earth. } } Total radiation power of the Sun: 3.92E+26 W } Distance from Earth to Sun (mean): 1.50E+11 m } Energy impacting Earth (avg): 1.39E+3 W/m^2 } Distance from Mars to Sun (mean): 2.28E+11 m } Energy impacting Mars (avg): 6.00E+2 W/m^2 } } Total daytime surface area for Mars: 2.89E+14 m^2 } Total daytime radiation: 1.74E+17 W } Total wanted daytime radiation: 4.02E+17 W } } Number of General Electric 60 W Soft-White Bulbs needed: } 3,810,000,000,000,000 !!! } } That's a HELL of a lot of light bulbs.